I said that I would post this and I am, though it is against my better judgement.
http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ddxtshkw_6dd9w4j
It's been a painful and bumpy ride and where I once thought I was standing on solid ground, I've come to realize I am not. I also realize how far I've come since being lower than low. I know I repeat myself constantly when I say this but that first year out is the hardest. It also makes you realize how impossible it is to conceive of the future. When someone asks me "what are your plans for the next 5 years, I haven't an answer. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I know I want to go to Scotland next year but that's about as far as I've gotten.
That's not where I wanted to start this post. I had this thought while I was "creeping" on facebook. I started to think about the mass phenomenon of online networking sites like facebook and myspace and friendster. It just makes me feel that much more solid in my thought that people are just looking for other people. We need social interaction and with the advent of the internet, it's easier then ever to keep in touch and meet new people. Though it can be dangerous, it can be just as dangerous meeting people the "old-fashioned" way. This is not well-thought out but I'm making my point (or so I hope).
Things are so vastly different now than how I had pictured it a year ago and I'm ok with that. I can't say I'm happy though and that's disappointing. But I'm seeing clearly and that matters for something. I like the autumn, it makes things brighter even if the days are shorter.
13 September, 2008
04 September, 2008
Falling into place...
It's hard to believe it's already September again. I feel like this year has been horribly fast and horribly slow. I'm feeling very encouraged as far as picking up the pieces of the last year and half now. I'm starting to feel strangely normal again. I'm more aware of myself and what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't think I've had this much clarity, wel, ever, as far as my goals and accomplishments are concerned.
I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.
My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.
Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.
I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.
My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.
Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.
14 August, 2008
I've bit my tongue and tried to keep from saying what it is that is on my mind. I know that political and moral rantings and raving is not necessarily what I use this blog for and though I realize that I should find a new space to post this, but for now this is what I will work with.
I've spent almost a year now pushing and pulling myself into so many directions I should be completely morphed as a body. From here to there to anywhere in between. What I thought I wanted 6 months ago is nothing I could dream of wanting now. The political atmosphere in this country is electric. Everyone has an opinion about how and what should be happening. We claim we want change and though I have no doubt that the majority of people do, it's one thing to want and it's completely separate to go after it. It's very distinctive those who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the change they seek and I believe that we as a country and as a people haven't seen enough suffering to really believe what true change looks like. We didn't grow up during the Great Depression, we didn't live through a World War. This war we're fighting now, is a television war, a war we're so distanced and far away from we barely can acknowledge it until something awful happens because of it. We've settled on high gas prices, we've settled on the economic recession, we've even settled as to what our so-called "President" and his cabinet have done for the last 8 years. We cry change but I don't know who is willing to sacrifice themselves for it.
I thought I was. I left college with all of the hopes and ideals that someone graduating from a Liberal Arts College should. I walked into the world thinking this is my chance to stamp it with the change I want to see. This is my opportunity to do something my parents were too scared to do. So I left. I packed up and I moved out West. Took a job for a company claiming to be a Grassroots Movement and it was working for them that I realized that those that claim to be the change we want to see, our just shells of a good idea gone terribly bad. It's these anarchists movements, these grassroots campaigns, claiming change for the better of the people that are exactly what change shouldn't be. It shouldn't be a false claim providing a faulty product. It should be something of passion and of virtue. Something deep from within, not something that sounds good but will never work.
I've seen the devastation that can happen in moments of government lapse. I was in New Orleans post-Katrina just months after families were allowed back to see their broken homes and non-existent neighborhoods. It changes you. Meeting those people and seeing first-hand the destruction and horrible devastation that occurs after these tragedies. And yes, they are tragedies. Watching a family be torn apart, ripped away from their homes and their families and completely unsure of ever returning, it's a tragedy and seeing it, it changes you. Walking around a section of earth, all buildings torn and crumbled, buildings that weren't in this condition more than 7 months prior. You see bikes in trees, cars flipped over, "possible dead-body" scrolled in spray paint on the side of a house that's been ripped from it's foundation. You meet the families of these homes and find that they're living spread out across the country with other family members, or in shelters for those displaced by the storm. They wear a heavy sadness that can really only be found in those that have known loss and pain to the extent that they do. This changes you. It changed me. And I'm not trying to sit here and paint myself the martyr of human-suffering. Nothing of the sort.
What I'm trying to get at is this: if we want to see change happen we have to be willing to work together to create it. The radicals and the passively political need to combine to create the change we want to see. Change is not something that happens over night. It's not something that we'll see in our lifetime most likely. It is a gradual process of push and pull, of give and take and you have to be willing to understand that. You have to be open to the idea that everything you think is right might not be and you have to be willing to change accordingly. It's not black and white, it's a series of grays that are constantly fluctuating.
It's best to make your own decisions and not be led down a path of self-discovery by someone else. There are choices we're forced to make the older we get and the choice of following another into self-understanding or taking the time and courage to understand it ourselves is the biggest. Perhaps it's just my bias, but it seems that most great ideas come from the time we've spent alone with ourselves. Martin Luther came up with the 95 Theses for Lutheranism on the toilet. As funny as it is, it is these moments alone that we're able to find the most clarity if we're willing to take the time to step back and notice it. The choices we make in life, for better or worse, define us as people. We're a constantly changing species and I have no doubt that this upcoming election will bring a much needed and much necessary change for this country but at the same time, we have to be open to the idea that there will be things that happen that won't be what we wanted but it's that give and take that's needed to constantly keep striving for our ultimate goals.
Don't let other define who you are and what you believe, by doing so you're closing yourself to change and though almost always terrifying, change is needed for growth. If we as a species never questioned what we were told to believe in, we would have never evolved into the species we are now. Humanity is only a danger to itself. Between passivity toward change and aggressive radicalism toward a specific change that's not necessarily for the best, it's a danger. It's a constant fight against ignorance and intolerance, and even those on the liberal side can be just as ignorant as those on the conservative. I've played witness to ignorance on both sides and find it sad that so many people can cut themselves off to change because of one particular idea that they so zealously need to chase after.
If there is anything I've learned is that choices should be made according to yourself, not someone else. It's too easy to follow what others are saying, it's much harder to question it and discover what it is you believe in. Take the time. Change doesn't come quick or easy, but it's still a possibility if we leave ourselves open. So question everything I've just written and make the decision for yourself whether to move forward from it or pass it off as just another "chant for change" we've become so accustomed to hearing through these past several months of political ferocity in this country.
I've spent almost a year now pushing and pulling myself into so many directions I should be completely morphed as a body. From here to there to anywhere in between. What I thought I wanted 6 months ago is nothing I could dream of wanting now. The political atmosphere in this country is electric. Everyone has an opinion about how and what should be happening. We claim we want change and though I have no doubt that the majority of people do, it's one thing to want and it's completely separate to go after it. It's very distinctive those who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the change they seek and I believe that we as a country and as a people haven't seen enough suffering to really believe what true change looks like. We didn't grow up during the Great Depression, we didn't live through a World War. This war we're fighting now, is a television war, a war we're so distanced and far away from we barely can acknowledge it until something awful happens because of it. We've settled on high gas prices, we've settled on the economic recession, we've even settled as to what our so-called "President" and his cabinet have done for the last 8 years. We cry change but I don't know who is willing to sacrifice themselves for it.
I thought I was. I left college with all of the hopes and ideals that someone graduating from a Liberal Arts College should. I walked into the world thinking this is my chance to stamp it with the change I want to see. This is my opportunity to do something my parents were too scared to do. So I left. I packed up and I moved out West. Took a job for a company claiming to be a Grassroots Movement and it was working for them that I realized that those that claim to be the change we want to see, our just shells of a good idea gone terribly bad. It's these anarchists movements, these grassroots campaigns, claiming change for the better of the people that are exactly what change shouldn't be. It shouldn't be a false claim providing a faulty product. It should be something of passion and of virtue. Something deep from within, not something that sounds good but will never work.
I've seen the devastation that can happen in moments of government lapse. I was in New Orleans post-Katrina just months after families were allowed back to see their broken homes and non-existent neighborhoods. It changes you. Meeting those people and seeing first-hand the destruction and horrible devastation that occurs after these tragedies. And yes, they are tragedies. Watching a family be torn apart, ripped away from their homes and their families and completely unsure of ever returning, it's a tragedy and seeing it, it changes you. Walking around a section of earth, all buildings torn and crumbled, buildings that weren't in this condition more than 7 months prior. You see bikes in trees, cars flipped over, "possible dead-body" scrolled in spray paint on the side of a house that's been ripped from it's foundation. You meet the families of these homes and find that they're living spread out across the country with other family members, or in shelters for those displaced by the storm. They wear a heavy sadness that can really only be found in those that have known loss and pain to the extent that they do. This changes you. It changed me. And I'm not trying to sit here and paint myself the martyr of human-suffering. Nothing of the sort.
What I'm trying to get at is this: if we want to see change happen we have to be willing to work together to create it. The radicals and the passively political need to combine to create the change we want to see. Change is not something that happens over night. It's not something that we'll see in our lifetime most likely. It is a gradual process of push and pull, of give and take and you have to be willing to understand that. You have to be open to the idea that everything you think is right might not be and you have to be willing to change accordingly. It's not black and white, it's a series of grays that are constantly fluctuating.
It's best to make your own decisions and not be led down a path of self-discovery by someone else. There are choices we're forced to make the older we get and the choice of following another into self-understanding or taking the time and courage to understand it ourselves is the biggest. Perhaps it's just my bias, but it seems that most great ideas come from the time we've spent alone with ourselves. Martin Luther came up with the 95 Theses for Lutheranism on the toilet. As funny as it is, it is these moments alone that we're able to find the most clarity if we're willing to take the time to step back and notice it. The choices we make in life, for better or worse, define us as people. We're a constantly changing species and I have no doubt that this upcoming election will bring a much needed and much necessary change for this country but at the same time, we have to be open to the idea that there will be things that happen that won't be what we wanted but it's that give and take that's needed to constantly keep striving for our ultimate goals.
Don't let other define who you are and what you believe, by doing so you're closing yourself to change and though almost always terrifying, change is needed for growth. If we as a species never questioned what we were told to believe in, we would have never evolved into the species we are now. Humanity is only a danger to itself. Between passivity toward change and aggressive radicalism toward a specific change that's not necessarily for the best, it's a danger. It's a constant fight against ignorance and intolerance, and even those on the liberal side can be just as ignorant as those on the conservative. I've played witness to ignorance on both sides and find it sad that so many people can cut themselves off to change because of one particular idea that they so zealously need to chase after.
If there is anything I've learned is that choices should be made according to yourself, not someone else. It's too easy to follow what others are saying, it's much harder to question it and discover what it is you believe in. Take the time. Change doesn't come quick or easy, but it's still a possibility if we leave ourselves open. So question everything I've just written and make the decision for yourself whether to move forward from it or pass it off as just another "chant for change" we've become so accustomed to hearing through these past several months of political ferocity in this country.
29 July, 2008
Positive Feedback
No news is good news...I'm curious what jackass came up with that. Isn't it almost the same as ignorance is bliss? Maybe not as severe...well, that's actually debatable.
I'm just getting over my annual summer cold. Though, this one wasn't as severe as last year, but then again, I'm not suffering from exhaustion.
I'm looking at apartments for the fall this weekend. Since stine is moving in with ryan, i'm kind of out on my ass with no place to go and no one to live with. I was going to move in with Joe, and I still might but it's up in the air until he finds a job. I figure I might as well cover my ass until I hear from him. I'm checking out places in Lakeview (aka Wrigleyville/Boystown) shut up, I know it's cliche of me, but I'm over it because they have some of the cheapest studios I've been able to find that are still in the city and not in Rogers Park or farther north.
I got new glasses. They're fun though no one's really noticed the difference which is slightly disappointing I won't lie. I've been writing a lot lately. Perhaps because I've had a lot on my mind. Who knows. I've been going back and forth as to whether I want to post one of my non-fictions up here but I'm still not sure. Putting it out there is a little more than I want to bear at the moment. Over anything I've done in my life, writing has been the one thing I'm the most self-concious about. It's like standing in front of thousands of people bareass naked with a jumbo-tron in the background. yeesh, no thanks. I suppose I eventually need to face my fears about this though so what the hell. Be expecting that link up soon...I have to edit because I wrote a lot of it while......well I"m sure you can figure it out, so there's a lot of typos.
I'm just getting over my annual summer cold. Though, this one wasn't as severe as last year, but then again, I'm not suffering from exhaustion.
I'm looking at apartments for the fall this weekend. Since stine is moving in with ryan, i'm kind of out on my ass with no place to go and no one to live with. I was going to move in with Joe, and I still might but it's up in the air until he finds a job. I figure I might as well cover my ass until I hear from him. I'm checking out places in Lakeview (aka Wrigleyville/Boystown) shut up, I know it's cliche of me, but I'm over it because they have some of the cheapest studios I've been able to find that are still in the city and not in Rogers Park or farther north.
I got new glasses. They're fun though no one's really noticed the difference which is slightly disappointing I won't lie. I've been writing a lot lately. Perhaps because I've had a lot on my mind. Who knows. I've been going back and forth as to whether I want to post one of my non-fictions up here but I'm still not sure. Putting it out there is a little more than I want to bear at the moment. Over anything I've done in my life, writing has been the one thing I'm the most self-concious about. It's like standing in front of thousands of people bareass naked with a jumbo-tron in the background. yeesh, no thanks. I suppose I eventually need to face my fears about this though so what the hell. Be expecting that link up soon...I have to edit because I wrote a lot of it while......well I"m sure you can figure it out, so there's a lot of typos.
23 July, 2008
Lactose Intolerance...
I've eaten delicious, home-made ice cream two nights in a row b/c Alana works for one of the best ice cream shoppes in Chicago and has treated me to ice cream for the last two nights and woh. My tummy is a quakin'. But it's so delicious so it's hard to say no.
3rd week at Northwestern Mutual. I'm finally starting to ease into my new job. I have a better idea of what I'm doing and I'll be licensed for insurance soon. So you know, if you need insurance of the life or disability variety, I can help you out....Everyone keeps asking why I don't just become a financial representative myself instead of working for a bunch of them and all I can say is I already feel like a sell-out working here in general, if I were to sell my soul to the devil to make 6 figures a year, I couldn't live with myself. I realize that's a little self-righteous but fuck off because it's the truth.
I get new glasses this weekend, or at least they'll hopefully be ready. Went to the eye Dr Saturday, she said my eyes have gotten worse. Not significantly, but worse no less and my dreams of having contacts were kind of smooshed upon visit as well. Apparently, due to my astigmatism and the severe pointedness of my cornea's, I'm kind of shit out of luck in the contact area. So I picked out a new pair of glasses to feel better. I like them. I'll post pictures of them at some point, once I get them. I suppose I should start putting my flckr into use and posting pictures of things I talk about but it's an effort that for the most part, I don't really want to make.
It's a little hard to believe this year is more than halfway over. It's kind of a constant reminder that I'm no longer in college. Months have just melted into one another now that I'm out in the working world. It's a little disappointing and I'm trying to remedy this by continuing to pursue Glasgow with the same veracity I pursued Knox with my Senior year of High School. At this point, it's just a matter of having transcripts sent off and letters of recommendation sent out. I'm hoping to have an acceptance letter in the mail by September or October and a deference for Fall of 2009 in my pocket. We'll see what happens.
3rd week at Northwestern Mutual. I'm finally starting to ease into my new job. I have a better idea of what I'm doing and I'll be licensed for insurance soon. So you know, if you need insurance of the life or disability variety, I can help you out....Everyone keeps asking why I don't just become a financial representative myself instead of working for a bunch of them and all I can say is I already feel like a sell-out working here in general, if I were to sell my soul to the devil to make 6 figures a year, I couldn't live with myself. I realize that's a little self-righteous but fuck off because it's the truth.
I get new glasses this weekend, or at least they'll hopefully be ready. Went to the eye Dr Saturday, she said my eyes have gotten worse. Not significantly, but worse no less and my dreams of having contacts were kind of smooshed upon visit as well. Apparently, due to my astigmatism and the severe pointedness of my cornea's, I'm kind of shit out of luck in the contact area. So I picked out a new pair of glasses to feel better. I like them. I'll post pictures of them at some point, once I get them. I suppose I should start putting my flckr into use and posting pictures of things I talk about but it's an effort that for the most part, I don't really want to make.
It's a little hard to believe this year is more than halfway over. It's kind of a constant reminder that I'm no longer in college. Months have just melted into one another now that I'm out in the working world. It's a little disappointing and I'm trying to remedy this by continuing to pursue Glasgow with the same veracity I pursued Knox with my Senior year of High School. At this point, it's just a matter of having transcripts sent off and letters of recommendation sent out. I'm hoping to have an acceptance letter in the mail by September or October and a deference for Fall of 2009 in my pocket. We'll see what happens.
10 July, 2008
The Big Kid World...
I started at Northwestern Mutual Financial on Monday. It's strange to be doing something I never thought I would be doing. The people here are great. The office dynamic is something I could most definitely do my Master's Thesis on. All of the financial reps are these uber conservative MBA's or soon-to-be MBA's who only care about more money and everyone on staff are these uber liberals, make fun of the reps, kind of people. I adore it.
It's nice to know that my financial problems are less of a problem now. I finally feel like all the work I've put into trying to get back on my own two feet over the past year are finally paying off. I talked to my dad last week and he ju st kept telling me how proud he was and how much he wishes me all the luck in the world to keep going and make myself happy. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have pushed myself and pushed myself and I'm finally at a place where I can see where it is I'm trying to go and what I'm trying to do and the different steps I have to take to get me there.
The past few months really have been this huge transition into a new beginning. The fact that I've done it on my own makes me that much more proud of myself. I'm finally starting to realize that I'm the strong and capable person that I never thought I could be. I'm happy. I'm more than happy. I'm elated. This has been a rough and tumble process and I'm glad that I've finally gotten a little bit of breathing room. Not to say there won't be more to come, but at least I can catch my breath at this point.
It's nice to know that my financial problems are less of a problem now. I finally feel like all the work I've put into trying to get back on my own two feet over the past year are finally paying off. I talked to my dad last week and he ju st kept telling me how proud he was and how much he wishes me all the luck in the world to keep going and make myself happy. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have pushed myself and pushed myself and I'm finally at a place where I can see where it is I'm trying to go and what I'm trying to do and the different steps I have to take to get me there.
The past few months really have been this huge transition into a new beginning. The fact that I've done it on my own makes me that much more proud of myself. I'm finally starting to realize that I'm the strong and capable person that I never thought I could be. I'm happy. I'm more than happy. I'm elated. This has been a rough and tumble process and I'm glad that I've finally gotten a little bit of breathing room. Not to say there won't be more to come, but at least I can catch my breath at this point.
01 July, 2008
The Start of Something New..
Thursday marks the 1 year anniversary of my adventure in Portland as well as my last day of work at the window company. I find it a little odd. A little too ironic. It's funny. I'm incredibly excited to start my new job downtown. It's once again something completely different from what I'm use to. I'm working for a financial group, an insurance & stock broker. Who knew. I have to thank Eric though for getting my foot in the door so I could get the job and get out of what I'm doing and really start something different for myself.
I'm still applying to Glasgow for next fall. I'm still going to go unless any unforeseen events occur that would bar me from being able to. I'm really excited. I honestly feel like I've found a new part of myself that I never really thought I could find. I realize how incredibly cheesy that probably sounds but it's true.
I've lost track of what I was going to really talk about which means I'm going to end this post before I just make a complete ass of myself.
I'm still applying to Glasgow for next fall. I'm still going to go unless any unforeseen events occur that would bar me from being able to. I'm really excited. I honestly feel like I've found a new part of myself that I never really thought I could find. I realize how incredibly cheesy that probably sounds but it's true.
I've lost track of what I was going to really talk about which means I'm going to end this post before I just make a complete ass of myself.
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