Tom Petty Has Finally Found Meaning...

I went free-falling at 13000 feet for 60 seconds before gently gliding to the ground for 5 minutes. It was the most amazing and liberating thing I've ever done. It definitely was the exact thing I needed to kind of put the seal on what this last year has felt like. I don't think anything else could've summed it up better than jumping out of an airplane at 13000 feet just praying to God that the shoot opens. For those 60 seconds, there is nothing and everything going through your mind. Trying to remember what they taught you in class and also think about the fact that you're free-falling at 120mph. It was just truly amazing to see everything from that high up. It was definitely the let-go I was looking for.

I just realized how pathetic the situation is and I need to move on. I'm better than that and I need to keep saying it and believing it, otherwise this is going to just keep happening and I don't want it too. I'm in a good place and this is the one thing still keeping me attached and I just need to let go and as hard as it is, I just need to keep going otherwise this whole process won't be as complete. It won't mean as much. I think that's the one thing I need is that complete transition.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how much I've spent really taken a look at myself introspectively and tried to gain the deeper meaning to my actions and have a better understanding of myself and the other people in my life. It wasn't until the past few months that I've gone from being quiet because I didn't want to say wants on my mind to being quiet because I want to figure out what's on my mind and then speaking it. It's been a strange transition, but a better one. At least I think before I speak and thus don't make as big of an ass of myself as I use to. Though there still isn't total censorship so that doesn't mean I've stopped looking like an idiot sometimes. "How many ounces are in this 40?" that is just deplorable, honestly :)

I don't deal with immature bullshit

I have this notion

I'm pretty sure if I do honestly end up in Scotland for grad school I might not ever come back. If I do, it probably wouldn't be for a good 5 years. I'm very excited at this prospect and talking with the Co-Convenor of the program I'm looking into doing is pretty amazing. Just the fact that he's excited about my research. I haven't really had that in awhile and it kind of makes me excited to get back to it.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about some things right now. All I know is that I haven't felt this secure about myself and my choices in my life. It's strange to think that I am an adult but when I actually look back on some of the things and experiences I have had, I realize I am really turning into one. I know I still have several years before I can consider myself a true adult, but it feels good to know that I'm on the right track with it all. The best part is the amount of uncertainty and just complete flexibility there is with what's about to happen. I look forward to the mistakes, regrets, and heartbreaks I have yet to go through because I know with that carries moments of utter happiness, sheer contentment and joy, with each time being better than the one before it. It's haunting but alluring all at the same time. I guess that's really the best way I can describe the first year post-collegian.

Shifting Up and Over

I received an email today from the co-director of the program I'm applying for at the University of Glasgow. He told me he was very intrigued by my research and that he wanted to talk to me soon about the program and me possibly attending. I honestly am still in shock slightly from it. I just cannot believe that someone in that position could possibly be intrigued by my research. It makes me feel really really good. Now I'm just nervous about talking to him and really actually starting this whole process, but as nervous as I may be, I'm really really excited.

There is definitely a shift happening. I'm definitely pushing myself more and putting myself out there again. It's slow, and it's going to be a slow process but I'm ready to move on from all that's happened in the past 12 months. I'm definitely taking my skydiving experience as a symbol of my letting go. Next Saturday I'm going to let go of everything that's happened and just fall, trusting in the fact that something will catch me before I hit the ground. I'm going alone because I feel it fitting to really take this action alone. I've dealt with a lot of things over the past 12 months and for the last 5 of them I've been going at it alone and this whole experience I'm about to have is going to be the culmination of a lot of time and heartache. I can't wait. It feels incredibly freeing and I honestly do think I'm going to walk away from it changed. I think this mindset I've been back and forth in for the past 2 months is finally going to settle itself for me. I'm finally going to let go and give up on the things that aren't worth fighting for anymore.

I haven't been given any reason to keep fighting except my own personal overly-romantic and idealistic reasons and next weekend I'm going to jump and leave that behind me. 23 isn't just going to be a number, it's going to be a new way of life. Wow, how corny does that sound? I just feel it's going to ring incredibly true. I think I'm going to go through a lot and come out changed when I leave that airport next Saturday. I'm going to be pumped, I'm going to be absolutely terrified, I'm going to be in disbelief and shock, but I'm going to be there and I'm going to go through with it.

After Shock...

There are few things in life I take seriously, my birthday has never been one of them. I don't really care for my birthday. It's never really been a fun day, ever since my Grandma died on my 6th birthday, it's never exactly been a day full of fun memories. The last good birthday I had was in 2005. Perhaps it was the company I was in or maybe just the fact that the day was mellow and uninteresting; either way, it was nice. The first really nice birthday I had had in quite a few years.

Last year, my birthday was pretty terrible. Whenever I think about it, it still sucks. This year I determined that fuck it, I don't give a shit, I don't want any big dinners or parties or cake or presents, fuck it, I'm taking myself on an adventure. I'm going skydiving. I'm jumping out of an airplane at 13,000 feet with a man and a parachute strapped to my back and I'm going to be scared out of my mind but I'm going to do it. And the thing about it all, is that I don't even a give a shit that it's my birthday, I'm going that day because I get a birthday discount. I'm super pumped. I'm going alone. Well, I mean, when I jump there has to be a professional strapped to my back but no one's coming with. I invited a bunch of friends but I didn't really hold out hope that someone would actually go with me. I'm ecstatic. I don't think I've ever been this excited for my birthday. Except maybe my 18th but that's only because I got to get my first tattoo.

This is the time of year I always dread. I'm not exactly sure why because I love this time of year but I think it's because it's the season of ever-evolving change. The whole spring symbol of rebirth; it really does create this season of unsteady understanding of what's going on in your life. I feel so confused and just ready to take it on, whatever IT is.

Random things I've seen this week:

-Our Ripley, TN driver brought moonshine in a jug of Carlo Rossi to share with us Friday
-"Tila Tequila" driving a giant white hummer, talking on her cell phone, and holding a tiny yorki in her lap
-Some kid on a scooter totally bite it into a wall in the women's clothing section at Target
-The gayest teenager ever who was my cashier at Target
-Gas rise above 4 bucks a gallon
That's all I can remember right now, but I'll add more when I think of it, cause there was lots

Burmese Cyclone

I find it absolutely sickening that nothing is currently being done about the situation in Burma. Now, I understand, this is not an incident where any one thing could've happened to stop it, it's an act of nature that no one was prepared for. How is it though, that the death toll is not rising by the hundreds but by the thousands and yet the burmese government is not allowing aide workers in or out. There are millions homeless without power, access to food or safe drinking water and yet, the aide that is being sent, is sitting in neighboring Thailand because the Burmese government won't allow it in. I'm just watching this happen day after day, knowing that the longer things wait, the harder it becomes for those just trying to survive the aftermath. It's what happened in NOLA only multiplied and on a much larger scale and the fact that even less is currently being done is just absolutely despicable. There needs to be some side-step here, something that will move this process along so the deathtoll in Burma does not continue to rise.

I want to be out there on the front lines fighting this fight. I want to be standing at the Thailand border trying to get supplies over to those that are in dire need. These are days that I just don't understand how people can be so selfish and uncaring of those around them. It was apparent during the Burmese protest back in late fall when the military government was trying to silence them quietly but there is so much more of a watchful eye that we knew people were dying and disappearing during those protests and now there's a national disaster and that same government is doing next to nothing to help. I'm appalled. Absolutely appalled.

Failing at Everything...

Not really failing at everything just trying really hard to get this figured out. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing. I think I explained it to Brian last night very well, I feel like I'm at this place in my life where I'm doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't end up doing. I pushed myself so hard to get into Knox and to get through it because I made the promise that I would not end up in this dead-end, going-nowhere job. I've just come to loathe it and all I want is to get out as soon as possible. Perhaps that's what spurred my unending need to get my resume out and just keep applying to new jobs. It's disheartening to do it though. Cause I'm just reminded of my whole last summer and Portland and just that whole awful mess, that I'm just both excited and terrified of going through this process because I had such horrible luck last summer.

It's always kind of scary putting yourself back out there and that is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm glad I'm pushing myself more because I haven't in a long time and I kind of need to before I just get too timid to do it. I need to continue this big risk-taking adventure I'm so adamant about right now. I just need to keep pushing.