As February is starting to wind down, Spring is starting to poke it's beautiful head around the corner. It's warm and rainy today, the perfect weather to remind me that winter will soon be over, even if "soon" is another month and though the worst may not be over, at least it's coming to its end.
I've found myself in a position where I can once again say, that I've found myself starting to have feelings for other people and I'm happy. I'm not just pushing out the bad and forcing myself to believe that things will get better, I'm actually finding myself really happy.
Ashleigh said something last night that made me really happy and that was "I have the old Karen back" she said "you seem so happy again, and I'm so happy to see you like this cause it's been so long" and it's true.
I'm happy to the point where I'm just ready to start making things happen and the weather is only all the more inspiring. Only 3 days until I leave for California and I could not be happier. I feel something moving and things are finally starting to happen again.
This is where it starts. That feeling that's been chasing me for a year now is finally pushing it's way to the top and I'm finally starting to feel it happen. Every time I sit out at the el stop or drive somewhere, I stare at the Chicago skyline and just smile, it's an amazing feeling to know that, though I didn't plan on being here right now, I am, and I'm satisfied and starting to make things happen.
17 February, 2008
10 February, 2008
For the Weak
I've been sitting in thought today, about lots of things. I went out, down to wicker park Friday night and while I was standing outside of the el staring at the city around me, waiting for Jules to show up, it kind of all hit me that I am in this phenomenal city and I'm young and outgoing and there is so much for me here. It was just this intense and almost automatic realization that things are changing, and I'm changing with them, and it feels a little nuts and little scary, but I'm going with it. I'm doing something that I've wanted to do for a long while and though I didn't get to this point the way I had intended, it's still a great feeling to know that I'm here and that it's starting for me.
This year most definitely didn't start off the way I had hoped for but I'm learning that that's probably for the best. There is this newness that I can't help but be excited for, even if I have no idea what it's about to bring.
This year most definitely didn't start off the way I had hoped for but I'm learning that that's probably for the best. There is this newness that I can't help but be excited for, even if I have no idea what it's about to bring.
08 February, 2008
Political Disruption and Re-unification
For the first time since I can really remember, there is this intensifying air among American politics. The presidential election this year is already making history just in the primaries, just in the announcement of possible candidates we've made history. I haven't been this enthusiastic about the politics of this country in such a long time. We've spent 8 years underneath an administration nearly if not more corrupt than the Nixon administration during the 70s. There is a definite change in the air of politics that this election is being followed not just nationwide but worldwide.
After Mitt Romney's exchange at his announcement that he is leaving the primary race for the Republican nominee stating in more words than less that his decision to step aside and allow the other potential nominees compete would help to impede the democratic race and thus aide in stopping the terror threat...so basically that makes those of us voting democratically and liberally, terrorist. Good to know.
It's that kind of conservative rhetoric that this country is becoming sick of. Although McCain is not my choice for president and if he does indeed gain the nomination of the Republican party as many political analysts are anticipating, it wouldn't be a huge blow. McCain is on to something. He's taken a beating from those more conservative in the GOP stating that he's far less conservative than the party lines would like him to be, but I feel the reason he is doing so well, is because most of us are sick of that conservativeness within our political atmosphere. We've spent the past 8 years under a neo-conservative regime that has lied and treated the public as if we were bumbling morons.
This change has been impending since 2004 and I think that it's finally come to the point where enough people are willing to push for that change that we're about to finally see the fruit of our labor. The primaries have already broken records in the amount of people voting for who they would like to see gain the party's nomination on both sides and I feel that by November, this air will have an electricity that hasn't been seen in decades.
After Mitt Romney's exchange at his announcement that he is leaving the primary race for the Republican nominee stating in more words than less that his decision to step aside and allow the other potential nominees compete would help to impede the democratic race and thus aide in stopping the terror threat...so basically that makes those of us voting democratically and liberally, terrorist. Good to know.
It's that kind of conservative rhetoric that this country is becoming sick of. Although McCain is not my choice for president and if he does indeed gain the nomination of the Republican party as many political analysts are anticipating, it wouldn't be a huge blow. McCain is on to something. He's taken a beating from those more conservative in the GOP stating that he's far less conservative than the party lines would like him to be, but I feel the reason he is doing so well, is because most of us are sick of that conservativeness within our political atmosphere. We've spent the past 8 years under a neo-conservative regime that has lied and treated the public as if we were bumbling morons.
This change has been impending since 2004 and I think that it's finally come to the point where enough people are willing to push for that change that we're about to finally see the fruit of our labor. The primaries have already broken records in the amount of people voting for who they would like to see gain the party's nomination on both sides and I feel that by November, this air will have an electricity that hasn't been seen in decades.
05 February, 2008
PDX
I've been thinking a lot about Portland lately. I'm finding that there are parts of it that I miss. I feel like when I was out there, I was absolutely unattached and free, and it was terrifying, and it didn't end up that well, but it felt good to be so independent and I think I'm really missing that right now. I feel that much of that has to do with the fact that I'm so entrenched in right now. I have this job, that although I enjoy, I definitely don't want to see myself at in 3 or 4 years. I bought a car that is making the idea of picking up a going elsewhere almost impossible but I also know, full well, that if I really wanted out, I'd make it happen for myself.
Portland played such an important and very key role in how I've managed to get to where I am right now and I think that I'm reminiscent of it because I am so proud of myself. I have no problem admitting to that either. I couldn't be more proud of myself. I did something that not many people can say they did and although I failed and had to come back, I will never look at it as if it were a failure, but as something that pushed me into the stronger and more adult person that I am right now.
Perhaps winter should end so I can feel less stuck. It's hard to feel mobile when there's a foot of snow and slush on the ground, and getting from point a to point b is practically impossible when you're slipping and sliding all over the place. I know that California will bring me some relief and so will Dallas. I just need to remind myself that, this is it, there's nothing more to look forward to, it's all about here and now and whatever happens then, will happen then.
Portland played such an important and very key role in how I've managed to get to where I am right now and I think that I'm reminiscent of it because I am so proud of myself. I have no problem admitting to that either. I couldn't be more proud of myself. I did something that not many people can say they did and although I failed and had to come back, I will never look at it as if it were a failure, but as something that pushed me into the stronger and more adult person that I am right now.
Perhaps winter should end so I can feel less stuck. It's hard to feel mobile when there's a foot of snow and slush on the ground, and getting from point a to point b is practically impossible when you're slipping and sliding all over the place. I know that California will bring me some relief and so will Dallas. I just need to remind myself that, this is it, there's nothing more to look forward to, it's all about here and now and whatever happens then, will happen then.
04 February, 2008
Dancing in the Moonlight...
One of those days when you can't help but think about the last thing that you were hoping to cross your mind. It's been one day at a time, and I will admit, things are much easier. I'm shocked by myself to be perfectly honest. I didn't think I would be handling it so well and yet, I am. I'm happy. I'm excited about where things are going right now and what I'm doing. I miss him. I don't think that'll go away any time soon either but it's for the best and I know that.
I get excited when I think about next year. I could be in Scotland, studying in a year and half which doesn't seem like that long. Right now it's about seizing the uncertainty of what's about to happen and just running with it. Which is exactly what I have been doing so far and so far, I couldn't be happier, it's a strange feeling.
I get excited when I think about next year. I could be in Scotland, studying in a year and half which doesn't seem like that long. Right now it's about seizing the uncertainty of what's about to happen and just running with it. Which is exactly what I have been doing so far and so far, I couldn't be happier, it's a strange feeling.
03 February, 2008
changes...
starting over. that's what this is a signal of. starting over and really recreating what i am.
i don't think it's possible to describe the sheer terror one goes through when they graduate from college and end up out on their own. it's this absolute sense of being completely alone. there's no feelings of stability or happiness, just the overwhelming feeling of having not a single thought as to where to go from this point on.
it's a struggle. a real struggle for anyone who has to face it. now don't get me wrong, there are those of us who don't, who fight back against those feelings and push into something different but for the majority of us, it's almost as if life comes to a screeching halt without ever slowing down. it is just a lot of unanswered questions with no one to provide any real answers. it's a losing battle of who you thought you were and who are becoming which is ok, it's better that way.
i am 8 months into this game. it's been the most difficult 8 months of my entire 22 years and i can say that without hesitation. it's been hell like war, constant battles and struggles just to keep fighting this seemingly never-ending conflict. there's so much to take in and to learn and understand, and there is no way of preparing for it. the only way to deal with it is to take it all in head on and just clench your teeth and muscle through it.
at this point, my head is down, my fists are up, and i am pushing my way slowly into unknown territory, hoping to make it out both alive and victorious.
i don't think it's possible to describe the sheer terror one goes through when they graduate from college and end up out on their own. it's this absolute sense of being completely alone. there's no feelings of stability or happiness, just the overwhelming feeling of having not a single thought as to where to go from this point on.
it's a struggle. a real struggle for anyone who has to face it. now don't get me wrong, there are those of us who don't, who fight back against those feelings and push into something different but for the majority of us, it's almost as if life comes to a screeching halt without ever slowing down. it is just a lot of unanswered questions with no one to provide any real answers. it's a losing battle of who you thought you were and who are becoming which is ok, it's better that way.
i am 8 months into this game. it's been the most difficult 8 months of my entire 22 years and i can say that without hesitation. it's been hell like war, constant battles and struggles just to keep fighting this seemingly never-ending conflict. there's so much to take in and to learn and understand, and there is no way of preparing for it. the only way to deal with it is to take it all in head on and just clench your teeth and muscle through it.
at this point, my head is down, my fists are up, and i am pushing my way slowly into unknown territory, hoping to make it out both alive and victorious.
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