Bigger Fish to Fry

I never really understood that expression, I mean, I get it, but if you had a bigger fish, why wouldn't you fry that one up instead of the little one, unless you weren't all that hungry. I love that blogger lets you know when you're using a problematic contraction such as weren't & wouldn't. I swear I had a point when I came here to write but I seem to have gotten off track, nothing new.

The interview on Monday went surprisingly very well. I'll find out at the end of the week if I have a new job or not. My fingers are crossed that I do because I could desperately use one. It just seems like all signs point to "get the fuck out now while you still can" before my debt worsens, before gas continues to rise, before my health insurance deductible goes up another $1000 next month and I have to start deferring my loan payments because I can't afford them and I have to apply for transference. That was a load off of my chest that I've been trying to formulate for weeks now, wow that felt good.

Summer in the city has been gorgeous thus far. The flooding of the Midwest hasn't effected Chicago, the north side (by my parents) has been slightly effected, but for the most part it's been beautiful. This whole week, since Sunday has been 60's & 70's and just blue skies with spots of white puffy cumulus clouds. It's the spring weather we never fully got to enjoy because it went from cold and rainy to hot and humid as fuck in a matter of a day. I guess that's not really the point. I'm still not quite sure why I started this post. Boredom at work mostly. I have nothing to do. Another plus side to getting a new job, I'll actually be busy during the day. I feel like I'm going to enjoy that but at the same time I'm going to miss being able to just dick around like I do now, because I've gotten so use to it.

I wanted to have a short political rant about the current status of ANWAR and Bush's intended proposal to begin drilling for oil there but I feel that if I were to begin a rant it would not be short nor would I get any work done (though I don't really have any so it shouldn't be that much of a concern). I just fear some one walking into my office and me having to quickly make myself look busy and thus lose my train of thought and ruin my rant for what its worth. That and I'm sure no one wants to pay attention to my grumbles about the current administration and their fuck ups. The NY Times does a good enough job summing up my feelings for the most part.

I house-sit up in the burbs this weekend so that should be lazy and uneventful. Pretty lonely too because I haven't managed to convince anyone to come out and spend the weekend with me so I don't have to spend it alone but perhaps it'll be good. I just need it to be the weekend so I can not be here any more. That's about where I'm at.

Finding Home...

My weekend in Galesburg had its ups and downs. I left feeling better about a lot of things. It was so strange to be there and watch commencement and being reminded of everything that I felt and went through last year. It's even harder to believe it's been one year since I graduated. I was disappointed in myself for not having something more to show for it and I was jealous of everyone graduating this year and having that same amount of endless possibilities that I had last year. It kind of made me that much more aware of just how stuck in one place I am and it hurt a little but at the same time, though I'm stuck and I'm working my ass off on trying to get out of it, I'm also a lot more aware of what to expect from the world when it comes to job-hunting and just living on my own in-general. It's a tough pill to swallow and it won't sink in until September when you're not back at Knox getting ready for classes, but still at your job or still trying to find a job and keep figuring things out. I don't feel bad for those about to be completely caught off guard because I've been preaching my experience for the last year whether you wanted to hear it or not.

The one thing I did leave this weekend with that I didn't want was a 2nd degree sunburn. My back and shoulders are blistered and bubbled and I woke up today in such pain (4 days after the fact) that I couldn't put clothes on because the blisters have started to pop and wreak havoc on my semi-exposed nerve-endings. I've never had a sunburn this bad and it is the fucking pits. Have an entire layer of skin completely missing and having the second layer exposed is some of the worst pain I've felt. I hope that by staying home today and continuing to rub aloe and burn cream on it, it will start to heal instead of continue to get worse.

Perhaps this weekend was the necessary reminder for myself that I need to keep pushing myself forward and to stop looking back at the past hoping that it will someday find itself in the present again. It's not possible and I'm coming to find that as much as I miss certain things and certain people, I'm better off without them in my life. I'm persevering faster and with more efficiency than if I was still tied back. As much as it hurts and as much as I want things to be different, they aren't, and I think I just needed this weekend to finally accept that.

One week...

I have spent the last week mulling over this job with the ACLU. Though it is a really great opportunity to begin a career working for an organization that I would love to be a part of, I started to second-guess it. I didn't want to upset my summer plans with Brian and, in all honesty, fuck him over. I didn't want to change my vacation with Katelyn either and above anything else, this would've been a 3k pay DECREASE from where I'm at, and I'm barely getting by right now. It was a definite ego-boost in the job-hunt being told that I had a great resume and being considered "cream of the crop". That definitely poured a little more hope into my search but the more I gave thought to it, the more I really didn't want it, even though I did. As much as I wanted it, I was hoping I didn't get it so when I got the email today stating they'd chosen someone else, I was more relieved than disappointed.

I know where I need to be and that's here. I have roots here now as much as I didn't want there to be, I do. I'm ok with that. I'm still looking for another job because lord knows I need to get out of where I'm at. Eric has offered me up an employee referral to a couple of openings with Northwest Mutual Funds which could mean a definite pay INCREASE which I desperately need. I don't worry about identity theft, because honestly, no one would want to take on my credit score, they wouldn't get approved for squat. So at least that's one less thing I have to worry about.

The temperature has finally risen to a summer temperature. It was almost 90 today and it's humid as balls. Oh Chicago summers, how I haven't missed you in the slightest. The humidity, the stickiness, the irritability of EVERYONE, at least I have Lake Michigan to swim in *shudder* well, maybe if I want to get Hepatitis C and die I'd do that. Fucking nasty ass Lake Michigan. I'm going to find a pool and get a membership. I need to swim. I miss it. I haven't gone since Labor Day weekend. Which was actually really fun but 9 months ago.

My head is on straight. I am so ready for this 3-day weekend and seeing everyone I haven't seen since my graduation last year. It's going to be great. And I can tell Bebe he has nothing to worry about this summer. My ass is staying firmly planted in Chicago, watching Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance with him.

Sometimes I wonder...

if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I wonder if he reads these updates. I wonder if I'll ever fucking move on. I feel just as pathetic as I think he is for what he's doing. Maybe that's harsh but knowing what I know, that's just how it honestly seems. Pathetic. Though I'm not saying that to put him down, I'm saying it because I feel the same way. I feel just as pathetic and all I want is to keep moving forward.

I'm hoping and praying this job with the ACLU works out. I hate this intense waiting game and normally I wouldn't get my hopes too high but the way the interview went and what the Director who interviewed me said to me, I can't help but get a little hopeful that maybe this will work out. Just the thought that maybe, just maybe, I have a chance to get back into doing what it is that I've spent so long wanting to get involved with. It would feel like I've actually accomplished what I set out to accomplish this year. Perhaps grad school can wait a little longer if this can pan out because as far as I'm concerned, I don't need to push going to Glasgow unless I'm still stuck here. I know I made the promise to go, and I will, but if I can get back to doing what it is that I really want to be doing, then I might as well post-pone it for another year if it comes down to it

I'm ready to get out of here. I'm ready to continue. I know I say it often, but I'm absolutely sick of it here. I'm sick of the commute. I'm sick of the menial, mindless tasks. I'm sick of the ridiculous melodrama this office produces. I'm in a place I promised myself I'd never be and now I'm fighting with everything in me to get the hell out of it. I'm still so drawn to just wander. I've read and reread "Into the Wild" and all I can think is how I wish I could do it. And I know that when it's all said and done, there isn't a whole hell of a lot stopping me from it, it's just me stopping me because I know better. I know that where I want to be doesn't involve becoming an untraceable vagabond. I just really want to continue to travel and have the adventures I so completely yearn for. I realize how cheesy it sounds, but fuck you because it's the truth. I YEARN for adventure and I'm not ashamed to say it. Wanderlust is something that not everyone has and it's my duty to keep that alive in me.

Strange Happenings...

I received a call Wednesday from the ACLU in response to a position I applied for in April. I wasn't expecting it just because it's been so long and I just figured the position had been filled by now. They asked if I could do a phone interview and I agreed and that's what I did Friday for my lunch. I sat on the phone answering questions about why I'd be a good fit for the ACLU. The Asst. Director who interviewed me, called me "cream of the crop" and told me that I have "a lot of passion" and I have a "great resume". Even if I don't get the job, just hearing that gave me the encouragement to keep applying to jobs that I want not just jobs I can get. It would be a pay decrease if they did offer it to me, BUT, I'd be living somewhere new again AND I'd be working for the ACLU. I find out the week of the 9th if I get it or not. Hopefully I do.