Lion's Den

What a stupid and ridiculous week. I've been exhausted but unable to sleep. I haven't quite figured out why I've been so stressed out and what's been causing my lack of focus, constant hair pulling, sleeplessness, and general all around restlessness.

I'm feeling unmotivated again. Which is absolutely ridiculous but I think I'm still trying to get it all figured out. I'm still going over everything a little bit at a time and right now, it's all just coming to a head and overwhelm me. I've been having terrible dreams lately which is causing what little sleep I do have to become incredibly restless.

Maybe its being here in Chicago for the first time and not at Knox that's creating this entire feeling of complete hopelessness. I think I just need a jump start. I need something new. I'm not sure what yet, just, something new.

Losing a little control...

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I think I'm becoming increasingly stressed about a lot of things that are going on. My living situation has grown less uncomfortable and at the same time more uncomfortable. The neighbors are the biggest problem. I think the previous post describes it all.

It feels like this past week or so has dragged on for a lot longer than it has. I think I've just been going through a lot more shit in my head. I kind of saw it coming. You can only avoid thinking about something for so long before reality hits you like a sack of bricks.

Painful realizations abound this week. I needed it. I'm still trying to figure a lot of shit out and I guess this is phase two of it. This is the time when I've had a little time to process and can start taking a deeper more meaningful look at things. Like reading a really good book for the second time. You understand the story line already and now you can look for the deeper meanings and symbolism and understand greater the lessons being offered....that sounds ridiculous but it make sense to me.

Chicago Police

I just had the Chicago police show up at my front door to ask if I was ok, and if I was arguing loudly, or if I was having a party. My upstairs neighbors are shitheads. I can't believe that. After yelling at us and cussing at us last night, they decide to take it one step farther and fucking call the police on me. They have been nothing but horrible to me and christine since we moved in, in December. I'm just kind of in shock about it.

I feel like I'm starting to reach this point of no return. I just keep thinking and thinking and I'm ready to jump. I'm finally ready to jump without second-guessing it again. And hopefuly it'll turn out to be a success.

I just need to keep figuring it all out.

St. Patricks Day funk

Tomorrow is St. Patricks day. I can't believe we're already halfway through the month of March. It's insane. But that does mean it's officially spring in 4 days and that means warm and sun and rain and just utterly fantastic weather because there's no snow or ice or frigid cold.

I think I've finally figured out what it is I want to do....and I'm so excited for all of it.

Spring is in the air...

It's true, it's finally starting to feel like winter is at it's always thankful end. The weather is starting to perk up slowly, the snow is melting, the grass is starting to poke through, only a few more weeks left before it's warm all the time. I can't help but get excited for it. It's always a burst of hope when spring comes. I always seem to find a new boy come spring too, so I mean, I have that to look forward to as well.

It's been quite a ride the past few weeks. California was brilliant. Teenie's wedding was last weekend and that was amazing. It was just so great to see her again, meet Spencer and the rest of her family, and see her brother's and just play catch up for a day. It was really awesome and she just couldn't seem happier. I don't think I've ever seen her this happy for as long as I've known her, so it's so good to see that and know that she is after all I've been through with her.

Hana comes to visit this weekend and she'll be here for about 10 days for Spring Break. I'm stoked to get some Knox reprieve after not having it for 2 and half months. I miss those little shits, hopefully bebe and ri and can come out at some point as well cause I'm still not sure when I'm going to head down to Knox again. I just don't know how ready I am for it. I suppose by next month I probably will because I'll be fixing to get out of town for a bit.

I hope spring brings with it a breath of fresh air cause I'm in desperate need of it.

Hope is the word of the month...

March is upon us, and with it comes the season of hope. Hope for spring and the end to a dreary and dreadful winter and hope that the new year will start to turn around for the better.

My mom lost her job a week ago. I found out 3 days ago because she didn't want to ruin my vacation to California. Although, now I just feel selfish for going when I know that it's probably not the wisest thing to do with my financial situation as well as my parents. It's been a rough few years and it only seems to be getting worse, though I don't want to have that pessimistic outlook, it helps nothing. It's just hard to see my mother, a woman who can have the most blind hope in such unforgiving situations, feeling utterly and completely beaten. This is the 2nd time in the last 5 years she's been laid off and it comes only one year after my father's lay off.

I can't help but wonder what to do from here. A part feels like I need to go back home, give up living in the city, and try to be there for them, make it easier, one less thing for them to worry about. It's difficult. I want so badly for it to be different, for things to work out but, at this point, especially with the impending economic recession, it's hard to stay optimistic.

This is the month of hope. The month of trying to keep positive and stay optimistic about the future. It has to be ok. It will be ok and I have to just keep reminding myself of that. My family has been through worse and we'll get through this speed bump as well, it's just, why now?