Scotland 2009

I am going to the University of Glasgow next fall. I was accepted. It's hard to believe but I was and I'm going. It's still kind of shocking. I've been talking about it for so long and it's actually happening. I'm ecstatic for the experience and that I'm finally feeling back on track with the things I wanted to do. It's a great feeling.

It's been snowing quite a bit. Right now it's raining. I really hate winter here. I realize I say it a lot but I really honestly do. I get the sad every year at this time. I need to move to a place where this doesn't happen. Where it doesn't snow 5 feet and get down to below 0. It's true that Chicago gets colder than Siberia at this time of year. I've weather.com'd that shit. The UK may be rainy, but it sure beats horribly cold and snowy/sleety/icy/rainy.

I'm going to miss Chicago. It's been pretty amazing rediscovering a city I've grown up with. Working downtown is pretty much an odd dream-come-true. Not that I've spent my life dreaming of working downtown, but I've thought about what it would be like to do so since I was young. To be one of those people who walks around downtown and works in a high-rise. It's bizarre. Probably because though I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like, I never actually thought I'd get to experience it so that's been kind of unreal and fun. I'll miss Chicago but I doubt I'll ever return for good. I'm having too much fun trying to figure out other cities. It will always be home though, I'll say that much.

10 more months and I'm leaving. I'm not sure when I'll actually be back. I don't think it will be until summer of 2010. I just want as much time abroad as possible. 3 years doesn't seem like enough time either. As weird as it may be, but it doesn't. I feel like once I'm gone, there's no stopping me from keeping going except myself. I want to see Europe but I also want to get in as much as the world as possible. I can't wait for Dubai and Cairo or Kiev and St. Petersburg. I have 3 years to explore it all and it's not enough time. It's silly, but it's important.

I'm painting again. That's been really nice. I was writing a lot but I've been writer's blocked for awhile so I started to paint again. Perhaps I will post pictures of the new work, but I also realize I always say that, and I don't follow-through. I guess we'll see.

To Keep Warm...

The sharp cold has reached Chicago and we're officially submerged into the icy-depths of the midwestern winter. Thankfully there hasn't been a significant snowfall as of yet, but it's only a matter of time. After the lengthy, cold and snowy winter from last year, I'm hoping this winter is a little more mild with a little less snow and a little less cold but it's a long-shot. We have notoriously shitty winters in this part of the country and I venture to guess this year will be no different.

I love getting off the train in the morning and seeing all of these people dressed in coats that look like they're made from comforters or sleeping bags that go all the way down to their ankles, with their hoods up, that are almost always covered in fur and pull tightly enough to where only some eyes and a nose are visible. I laugh. It's not even December. The coldest it's been here has been 19 and for Chicago, you might as well as say it's 40 because that isn't shit compared to the kind of cold we get. Winter is dreary and dreadful and though I'm approaching the one year mark of that terrible yet eye-opening break up, I can look back now without regret or worry and with the full knowledge that I'm can do better than that and that I've already started to create a path for myself as to where I want to go.

The thought that there isn't someone that is holding me back, has made it that much easier to find my way forward. It's funny. When I look back to a year ago, I remember wanting to be exactly where he's at with her and knowing he wanted to be exactly where I'm at now, free and alone to figure it out. It's funny how things change like that, how he has the life I wanted and I have his. I'm not jealous anymore about it because I honestly feel I got the better end of this deal. I'm in a position where I'm not being held back by anyone or anything and I'm pushing myself toward the things that I want. It's all relative anyway, I'm just glad that I'm not tied down to a person and a living situation and I'm free to roam wherever in the world. 10 more months before my adventure abroad and I don't see myself coming back to the states for at least 3 years if not longer.

When I fell through the sky with only a thin piece of cloth to save me from certain death, I realized how much is left out there that I haven't had the chance to find. As painful as it was last January, I look forward to putting it all behind me once and for all and taking 2009 as the blank slate that this year was meant to be. It was a blessing in disguise. The final push I needed to realize that I can't let another opportunity pass me by. I tried and failed, 2 and half years putting myself out there without hearing the response of even one 'I love you' and I'm finally seeing just how unfair it really was but I've learned from it and I don't regret my time with him, I just dislike the way it ended.

A regret is a mistake that we haven't learned from and I have learned more over these past 11 months than I ever thought could be possible. I would say thank you but I wouldn't mean it because I did this on my own for once and I have no one to thank, I only have the means to be proud of myself for taking full advantage of what could've been a great loss but turned into a huge gain.

In the not so subtle yet vague news of my life to date, my marathon training has finally broken through. I'm finally getting farther and faster. Thanks in part to the fact that I've quit smoking. It's been over a week since my last cigarette and now that I'm almost at 1 mile of straight running, there is no going back to those things because it feels way too good. I think at the rate that I'm going, I'll hit 1 mile straight within 2 weeks which is incredible not to mention something I didn't think was at all possible. MK is going to talk me through getting to the point where I can train fully aka run at least 5 or 6 miles straight a day. I'm still as determined as I was a month ago when I started, if not moreso, and that marathon in May is looking more and more doable every time I go running. Winter or no winter, I'm going to keep charging forward.

nano - wrimo

It is National Write a Novel Month or nano-wrimo. I tried this once before and only got about 10 pages in, which, without any academic motivation, is a pretty easy deal. I'm starting again though, 2 years afterward and hopefully being successful with it this time around. I'll post whatever it is I end up writing.

Sufficient update:

Knox Homecoming was this past weekend + Halloween. These two events rarely fall on the same weekend but this year, we got lucky. I actually had a wonderful time. I was worried that it wouldn't be too great or it would just be awkward, which I mean, it certainly was but for the most it was just as natural as being back at Knox after summer break. Seeing Ben & Karlina, I couldn't have been more excited. It was so great to see them and spend time with them again and it was also awesome for them to hang out and tell me I was less awkward than everyone else. I like being less awkward than others because usually it's the opposite. Scott came into town too and I was shocked as I'm sure everyone else was, because no one was expecting him so it was awesome to get to see him and actually hang out.

The best way to describe Knox this weekend was that it felt like home again being there and it hasn't felt that way in a very long time. It was nice. The only downside to my weekend, forgetting my book and shoes at Hana's. Being over 700 pages in to 'Atlas Shrugged' and knowing I have only 300 pages left to go and I left it, made me very upset last night while I was waiting for my train which was a half an hour late, and was sold out, and thus it took me til Kewanee wandering about with my things in hand, trying to find a seat. When the conducter did find me a seat, he sat me down next to a very large woman, in a broken seat, who had a baby sitting in her lap who wouldn't stop crying. Needless to say I was irritated as shit but Graham and Sarah saved me, came and got me and we spent the rest of the train ride in the dining car playing card games. I'm not taking the Amtrak again. I like driving too much, carbon footprint or not, it's just too much fun.

As per usual though, I got sick while there. Knox is like a daycare for adults, germs are just passed around constantly. So I feel like ballsac but I have Friday off and I'm not jeapordizing it. I'll sit here hacking up a lung letting snot fly out of my nose and on my computer before I go home or stay home sick. Election Day tomorrow...I'm a nervous wreck and I'm not going to bed til I know Obama won. Time for the weigh-in upstairs. Happy Nano-Wrimo.

Pink Nose & Apple Cheeks...

The fall has come. I'm glad it never went back up to 90. Galesburg & Homecoming this weekend. Excited to see some folks that I haven't seen in ages, not excited to see or possibly run into others but that's the nature of the beast. I know I'll have fun and that's what matters most.

I've been ferociously reading Ayn Rand for the past 2 months now. I always forget how brilliant she is until I start one of her books. I'm currently 400 pages away from being done with 'Atlas Shrugged' which means I'll have read all of her books, though not consecutively, I still think that that's a good thing. I'm glad I read them in the manner I did, it gave me a great perspective on her. By reading her books though, it has given me the inspiration to figure out a class curriculum and eventual teach a Feminist Philosophy on Objectivism & Ayn Rand when I start teaching. How nerdy does that make me sound? I have yet to start my master's and I'm already planning courses I want to teach when I become a professor :nerd alert: I don't mind, I'm excited. I also think that Rand's philosophy gets misconstrued constantly and people think that being selfish is her end thought which, I suppose it is in a way, but really it's not. I won't start going on about it here, but I feel as if people pass-over much of her teachings and dumb it down to make themselves feel better about what they're doing. Her philosphy is most apparent in 'Atlas Shrugged' and I think if molded properly, it's a great and fine philosophy to live by. Rand was a radical and at least to me, it's very apparent that radicalism has never led to anything even remotely constructive, but taken in small doses and obviously molded into one's own view, it can be a very constructive and positive thing. Here I am going on when this is nothing that I wanted to go on about.

I'm feeling motivated. Quite motivated. I know we're just scratching the surface of winter but I want to get it over with and find spring. I'm waiting to hear back about Glasgow. I haven't wanted anything as much I've wanted this since I was trying to get into Knox 6 years ago. Jesus, 6 years ago, that's hard to believe. Knox shaped me into something that I couldn't have done on my own and I'm thankful for that. Though I regret some decisions and wasting almost 3 years with someone who wasn't worth more than 5 minutes of my time, I know I've grown from that as well and I can't just throw that out, though I'd like to. Where I am now is eons away from where I could've been and that, that I am thankful and grateful for. I'm a better person and deserve better than what I was given and perhaps that sounds selfish but for me, it's the truth and I'm finally able to state it without guilt or consequence. I'll find what I deserve but until then, fuck it, let's have fun.

Remnants of Fall...

My lack of updating makes me bad at blogging. I moved back home to the suburbs to live in my old bedroom at my parents house so as to save as much money as possible for grad school next year. Though it was the right decision, I still regret it at times. Like on the weekends when I do nothing but watch movies, listen to music, and crochet or read. I feel like I'm 23 going on 70 and it's a bit depressing. I don't mind it though. I know it's a means to an end. Mainly Scotland & Glasgow fall of 2009. Less than a year. My application goes in at the end of the month. My letters of recommendation are done and settled and at this point it is just a matter of getting in the rest of the application. I'm sending it out on Saturday because I'm also applying for my passport at the same time. Kill two birds, one stone.

Things I have started to accomplish/work toward since being back here is marathon training. Working in an office with a bunch of professional athletes who ran the Chicago Marathon and the Ironman championship, makes me feel fat and out of shape so I made the promise to myself to start running again, which I have. I'm doing quite well and I know I'll be doing better as soon as I quit smoking, which is a current work in progress. Rockford half-marathon May 19th, 2009, I'll be there, running 13.1 miles. I'll be training all winter. I have exactly 7 months to get my ass in shape and it's doable, and I know it's doable, and well, I'm going to do it. Just in the last week since I started I've doubled my length of running time and now I'm at .5 miles...though I know it's a ways from 13.1, but it makes me feel good knowing that I'm making progress since I haven't ran in over 3 years and I'm still smoking. Though that's been cut in half and my goal is smoke-free by Thanksgiving. That's one perk of being back at home, I'm much more goal-oriented cause if I wasn't, I'd feel like a lonely, loser schlump.

There it is. My update. Marathon training for May, Glasgow application, & Passport application. I'd talk about the election but it's making me more and more anxious the closer it gets. My stomach is in literal knots and if McCain/Palin do win...I'm moving abroad and I probably won't be back. This is a fight I can't continue to fight. It's like fighting an unknown ignorant intangible fog. There's no use in arguing with the irrational. It's a futile argument. I just hope and pray that this ignorant fog hasn't settled and that Obama/Biden do win in 2 weeks. It's nerve-wracking. I may or may not have stolen a Palin sign from someone's yard on my run today, defaced it, then threw it away. Again, mere speculation, I may or may not have done this. There isn't proof (just don't check the garbage bin on the side of my house).

This election feels more like good guy versus bad guy than anything else and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat like I was when I saw Batman this summer stoned at the IMAX with Brian. God save us if the bad guy wins yet again.

I felt it

I said that I would post this and I am, though it is against my better judgement.

http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ddxtshkw_6dd9w4j

It's been a painful and bumpy ride and where I once thought I was standing on solid ground, I've come to realize I am not. I also realize how far I've come since being lower than low. I know I repeat myself constantly when I say this but that first year out is the hardest. It also makes you realize how impossible it is to conceive of the future. When someone asks me "what are your plans for the next 5 years, I haven't an answer. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I know I want to go to Scotland next year but that's about as far as I've gotten.

That's not where I wanted to start this post. I had this thought while I was "creeping" on facebook. I started to think about the mass phenomenon of online networking sites like facebook and myspace and friendster. It just makes me feel that much more solid in my thought that people are just looking for other people. We need social interaction and with the advent of the internet, it's easier then ever to keep in touch and meet new people. Though it can be dangerous, it can be just as dangerous meeting people the "old-fashioned" way. This is not well-thought out but I'm making my point (or so I hope).

Things are so vastly different now than how I had pictured it a year ago and I'm ok with that. I can't say I'm happy though and that's disappointing. But I'm seeing clearly and that matters for something. I like the autumn, it makes things brighter even if the days are shorter.

Falling into place...

It's hard to believe it's already September again. I feel like this year has been horribly fast and horribly slow. I'm feeling very encouraged as far as picking up the pieces of the last year and half now. I'm starting to feel strangely normal again. I'm more aware of myself and what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't think I've had this much clarity, wel, ever, as far as my goals and accomplishments are concerned.

I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.

My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.

Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.

I've bit my tongue and tried to keep from saying what it is that is on my mind. I know that political and moral rantings and raving is not necessarily what I use this blog for and though I realize that I should find a new space to post this, but for now this is what I will work with.

I've spent almost a year now pushing and pulling myself into so many directions I should be completely morphed as a body. From here to there to anywhere in between. What I thought I wanted 6 months ago is nothing I could dream of wanting now. The political atmosphere in this country is electric. Everyone has an opinion about how and what should be happening. We claim we want change and though I have no doubt that the majority of people do, it's one thing to want and it's completely separate to go after it. It's very distinctive those who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the change they seek and I believe that we as a country and as a people haven't seen enough suffering to really believe what true change looks like. We didn't grow up during the Great Depression, we didn't live through a World War. This war we're fighting now, is a television war, a war we're so distanced and far away from we barely can acknowledge it until something awful happens because of it. We've settled on high gas prices, we've settled on the economic recession, we've even settled as to what our so-called "President" and his cabinet have done for the last 8 years. We cry change but I don't know who is willing to sacrifice themselves for it.

I thought I was. I left college with all of the hopes and ideals that someone graduating from a Liberal Arts College should. I walked into the world thinking this is my chance to stamp it with the change I want to see. This is my opportunity to do something my parents were too scared to do. So I left. I packed up and I moved out West. Took a job for a company claiming to be a Grassroots Movement and it was working for them that I realized that those that claim to be the change we want to see, our just shells of a good idea gone terribly bad. It's these anarchists movements, these grassroots campaigns, claiming change for the better of the people that are exactly what change shouldn't be. It shouldn't be a false claim providing a faulty product. It should be something of passion and of virtue. Something deep from within, not something that sounds good but will never work.

I've seen the devastation that can happen in moments of government lapse. I was in New Orleans post-Katrina just months after families were allowed back to see their broken homes and non-existent neighborhoods. It changes you. Meeting those people and seeing first-hand the destruction and horrible devastation that occurs after these tragedies. And yes, they are tragedies. Watching a family be torn apart, ripped away from their homes and their families and completely unsure of ever returning, it's a tragedy and seeing it, it changes you. Walking around a section of earth, all buildings torn and crumbled, buildings that weren't in this condition more than 7 months prior. You see bikes in trees, cars flipped over, "possible dead-body" scrolled in spray paint on the side of a house that's been ripped from it's foundation. You meet the families of these homes and find that they're living spread out across the country with other family members, or in shelters for those displaced by the storm. They wear a heavy sadness that can really only be found in those that have known loss and pain to the extent that they do. This changes you. It changed me. And I'm not trying to sit here and paint myself the martyr of human-suffering. Nothing of the sort.

What I'm trying to get at is this: if we want to see change happen we have to be willing to work together to create it. The radicals and the passively political need to combine to create the change we want to see. Change is not something that happens over night. It's not something that we'll see in our lifetime most likely. It is a gradual process of push and pull, of give and take and you have to be willing to understand that. You have to be open to the idea that everything you think is right might not be and you have to be willing to change accordingly. It's not black and white, it's a series of grays that are constantly fluctuating.

It's best to make your own decisions and not be led down a path of self-discovery by someone else. There are choices we're forced to make the older we get and the choice of following another into self-understanding or taking the time and courage to understand it ourselves is the biggest. Perhaps it's just my bias, but it seems that most great ideas come from the time we've spent alone with ourselves. Martin Luther came up with the 95 Theses for Lutheranism on the toilet. As funny as it is, it is these moments alone that we're able to find the most clarity if we're willing to take the time to step back and notice it. The choices we make in life, for better or worse, define us as people. We're a constantly changing species and I have no doubt that this upcoming election will bring a much needed and much necessary change for this country but at the same time, we have to be open to the idea that there will be things that happen that won't be what we wanted but it's that give and take that's needed to constantly keep striving for our ultimate goals.

Don't let other define who you are and what you believe, by doing so you're closing yourself to change and though almost always terrifying, change is needed for growth. If we as a species never questioned what we were told to believe in, we would have never evolved into the species we are now. Humanity is only a danger to itself. Between passivity toward change and aggressive radicalism toward a specific change that's not necessarily for the best, it's a danger. It's a constant fight against ignorance and intolerance, and even those on the liberal side can be just as ignorant as those on the conservative. I've played witness to ignorance on both sides and find it sad that so many people can cut themselves off to change because of one particular idea that they so zealously need to chase after.

If there is anything I've learned is that choices should be made according to yourself, not someone else. It's too easy to follow what others are saying, it's much harder to question it and discover what it is you believe in. Take the time. Change doesn't come quick or easy, but it's still a possibility if we leave ourselves open. So question everything I've just written and make the decision for yourself whether to move forward from it or pass it off as just another "chant for change" we've become so accustomed to hearing through these past several months of political ferocity in this country.

Positive Feedback

No news is good news...I'm curious what jackass came up with that. Isn't it almost the same as ignorance is bliss? Maybe not as severe...well, that's actually debatable.

I'm just getting over my annual summer cold. Though, this one wasn't as severe as last year, but then again, I'm not suffering from exhaustion.

I'm looking at apartments for the fall this weekend. Since stine is moving in with ryan, i'm kind of out on my ass with no place to go and no one to live with. I was going to move in with Joe, and I still might but it's up in the air until he finds a job. I figure I might as well cover my ass until I hear from him. I'm checking out places in Lakeview (aka Wrigleyville/Boystown) shut up, I know it's cliche of me, but I'm over it because they have some of the cheapest studios I've been able to find that are still in the city and not in Rogers Park or farther north.

I got new glasses. They're fun though no one's really noticed the difference which is slightly disappointing I won't lie. I've been writing a lot lately. Perhaps because I've had a lot on my mind. Who knows. I've been going back and forth as to whether I want to post one of my non-fictions up here but I'm still not sure. Putting it out there is a little more than I want to bear at the moment. Over anything I've done in my life, writing has been the one thing I'm the most self-concious about. It's like standing in front of thousands of people bareass naked with a jumbo-tron in the background. yeesh, no thanks. I suppose I eventually need to face my fears about this though so what the hell. Be expecting that link up soon...I have to edit because I wrote a lot of it while......well I"m sure you can figure it out, so there's a lot of typos.

Lactose Intolerance...

I've eaten delicious, home-made ice cream two nights in a row b/c Alana works for one of the best ice cream shoppes in Chicago and has treated me to ice cream for the last two nights and woh. My tummy is a quakin'. But it's so delicious so it's hard to say no.

3rd week at Northwestern Mutual. I'm finally starting to ease into my new job. I have a better idea of what I'm doing and I'll be licensed for insurance soon. So you know, if you need insurance of the life or disability variety, I can help you out....Everyone keeps asking why I don't just become a financial representative myself instead of working for a bunch of them and all I can say is I already feel like a sell-out working here in general, if I were to sell my soul to the devil to make 6 figures a year, I couldn't live with myself. I realize that's a little self-righteous but fuck off because it's the truth.

I get new glasses this weekend, or at least they'll hopefully be ready. Went to the eye Dr Saturday, she said my eyes have gotten worse. Not significantly, but worse no less and my dreams of having contacts were kind of smooshed upon visit as well. Apparently, due to my astigmatism and the severe pointedness of my cornea's, I'm kind of shit out of luck in the contact area. So I picked out a new pair of glasses to feel better. I like them. I'll post pictures of them at some point, once I get them. I suppose I should start putting my flckr into use and posting pictures of things I talk about but it's an effort that for the most part, I don't really want to make.

It's a little hard to believe this year is more than halfway over. It's kind of a constant reminder that I'm no longer in college. Months have just melted into one another now that I'm out in the working world. It's a little disappointing and I'm trying to remedy this by continuing to pursue Glasgow with the same veracity I pursued Knox with my Senior year of High School. At this point, it's just a matter of having transcripts sent off and letters of recommendation sent out. I'm hoping to have an acceptance letter in the mail by September or October and a deference for Fall of 2009 in my pocket. We'll see what happens.

The Big Kid World...

I started at Northwestern Mutual Financial on Monday. It's strange to be doing something I never thought I would be doing. The people here are great. The office dynamic is something I could most definitely do my Master's Thesis on. All of the financial reps are these uber conservative MBA's or soon-to-be MBA's who only care about more money and everyone on staff are these uber liberals, make fun of the reps, kind of people. I adore it.

It's nice to know that my financial problems are less of a problem now. I finally feel like all the work I've put into trying to get back on my own two feet over the past year are finally paying off. I talked to my dad last week and he ju st kept telling me how proud he was and how much he wishes me all the luck in the world to keep going and make myself happy. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have pushed myself and pushed myself and I'm finally at a place where I can see where it is I'm trying to go and what I'm trying to do and the different steps I have to take to get me there.

The past few months really have been this huge transition into a new beginning. The fact that I've done it on my own makes me that much more proud of myself. I'm finally starting to realize that I'm the strong and capable person that I never thought I could be. I'm happy. I'm more than happy. I'm elated. This has been a rough and tumble process and I'm glad that I've finally gotten a little bit of breathing room. Not to say there won't be more to come, but at least I can catch my breath at this point.

The Start of Something New..

Thursday marks the 1 year anniversary of my adventure in Portland as well as my last day of work at the window company. I find it a little odd. A little too ironic. It's funny. I'm incredibly excited to start my new job downtown. It's once again something completely different from what I'm use to. I'm working for a financial group, an insurance & stock broker. Who knew. I have to thank Eric though for getting my foot in the door so I could get the job and get out of what I'm doing and really start something different for myself.

I'm still applying to Glasgow for next fall. I'm still going to go unless any unforeseen events occur that would bar me from being able to. I'm really excited. I honestly feel like I've found a new part of myself that I never really thought I could find. I realize how incredibly cheesy that probably sounds but it's true.

I've lost track of what I was going to really talk about which means I'm going to end this post before I just make a complete ass of myself.

Bigger Fish to Fry

I never really understood that expression, I mean, I get it, but if you had a bigger fish, why wouldn't you fry that one up instead of the little one, unless you weren't all that hungry. I love that blogger lets you know when you're using a problematic contraction such as weren't & wouldn't. I swear I had a point when I came here to write but I seem to have gotten off track, nothing new.

The interview on Monday went surprisingly very well. I'll find out at the end of the week if I have a new job or not. My fingers are crossed that I do because I could desperately use one. It just seems like all signs point to "get the fuck out now while you still can" before my debt worsens, before gas continues to rise, before my health insurance deductible goes up another $1000 next month and I have to start deferring my loan payments because I can't afford them and I have to apply for transference. That was a load off of my chest that I've been trying to formulate for weeks now, wow that felt good.

Summer in the city has been gorgeous thus far. The flooding of the Midwest hasn't effected Chicago, the north side (by my parents) has been slightly effected, but for the most part it's been beautiful. This whole week, since Sunday has been 60's & 70's and just blue skies with spots of white puffy cumulus clouds. It's the spring weather we never fully got to enjoy because it went from cold and rainy to hot and humid as fuck in a matter of a day. I guess that's not really the point. I'm still not quite sure why I started this post. Boredom at work mostly. I have nothing to do. Another plus side to getting a new job, I'll actually be busy during the day. I feel like I'm going to enjoy that but at the same time I'm going to miss being able to just dick around like I do now, because I've gotten so use to it.

I wanted to have a short political rant about the current status of ANWAR and Bush's intended proposal to begin drilling for oil there but I feel that if I were to begin a rant it would not be short nor would I get any work done (though I don't really have any so it shouldn't be that much of a concern). I just fear some one walking into my office and me having to quickly make myself look busy and thus lose my train of thought and ruin my rant for what its worth. That and I'm sure no one wants to pay attention to my grumbles about the current administration and their fuck ups. The NY Times does a good enough job summing up my feelings for the most part.

I house-sit up in the burbs this weekend so that should be lazy and uneventful. Pretty lonely too because I haven't managed to convince anyone to come out and spend the weekend with me so I don't have to spend it alone but perhaps it'll be good. I just need it to be the weekend so I can not be here any more. That's about where I'm at.

Finding Home...

My weekend in Galesburg had its ups and downs. I left feeling better about a lot of things. It was so strange to be there and watch commencement and being reminded of everything that I felt and went through last year. It's even harder to believe it's been one year since I graduated. I was disappointed in myself for not having something more to show for it and I was jealous of everyone graduating this year and having that same amount of endless possibilities that I had last year. It kind of made me that much more aware of just how stuck in one place I am and it hurt a little but at the same time, though I'm stuck and I'm working my ass off on trying to get out of it, I'm also a lot more aware of what to expect from the world when it comes to job-hunting and just living on my own in-general. It's a tough pill to swallow and it won't sink in until September when you're not back at Knox getting ready for classes, but still at your job or still trying to find a job and keep figuring things out. I don't feel bad for those about to be completely caught off guard because I've been preaching my experience for the last year whether you wanted to hear it or not.

The one thing I did leave this weekend with that I didn't want was a 2nd degree sunburn. My back and shoulders are blistered and bubbled and I woke up today in such pain (4 days after the fact) that I couldn't put clothes on because the blisters have started to pop and wreak havoc on my semi-exposed nerve-endings. I've never had a sunburn this bad and it is the fucking pits. Have an entire layer of skin completely missing and having the second layer exposed is some of the worst pain I've felt. I hope that by staying home today and continuing to rub aloe and burn cream on it, it will start to heal instead of continue to get worse.

Perhaps this weekend was the necessary reminder for myself that I need to keep pushing myself forward and to stop looking back at the past hoping that it will someday find itself in the present again. It's not possible and I'm coming to find that as much as I miss certain things and certain people, I'm better off without them in my life. I'm persevering faster and with more efficiency than if I was still tied back. As much as it hurts and as much as I want things to be different, they aren't, and I think I just needed this weekend to finally accept that.

One week...

I have spent the last week mulling over this job with the ACLU. Though it is a really great opportunity to begin a career working for an organization that I would love to be a part of, I started to second-guess it. I didn't want to upset my summer plans with Brian and, in all honesty, fuck him over. I didn't want to change my vacation with Katelyn either and above anything else, this would've been a 3k pay DECREASE from where I'm at, and I'm barely getting by right now. It was a definite ego-boost in the job-hunt being told that I had a great resume and being considered "cream of the crop". That definitely poured a little more hope into my search but the more I gave thought to it, the more I really didn't want it, even though I did. As much as I wanted it, I was hoping I didn't get it so when I got the email today stating they'd chosen someone else, I was more relieved than disappointed.

I know where I need to be and that's here. I have roots here now as much as I didn't want there to be, I do. I'm ok with that. I'm still looking for another job because lord knows I need to get out of where I'm at. Eric has offered me up an employee referral to a couple of openings with Northwest Mutual Funds which could mean a definite pay INCREASE which I desperately need. I don't worry about identity theft, because honestly, no one would want to take on my credit score, they wouldn't get approved for squat. So at least that's one less thing I have to worry about.

The temperature has finally risen to a summer temperature. It was almost 90 today and it's humid as balls. Oh Chicago summers, how I haven't missed you in the slightest. The humidity, the stickiness, the irritability of EVERYONE, at least I have Lake Michigan to swim in *shudder* well, maybe if I want to get Hepatitis C and die I'd do that. Fucking nasty ass Lake Michigan. I'm going to find a pool and get a membership. I need to swim. I miss it. I haven't gone since Labor Day weekend. Which was actually really fun but 9 months ago.

My head is on straight. I am so ready for this 3-day weekend and seeing everyone I haven't seen since my graduation last year. It's going to be great. And I can tell Bebe he has nothing to worry about this summer. My ass is staying firmly planted in Chicago, watching Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance with him.

Sometimes I wonder...

if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I wonder if he reads these updates. I wonder if I'll ever fucking move on. I feel just as pathetic as I think he is for what he's doing. Maybe that's harsh but knowing what I know, that's just how it honestly seems. Pathetic. Though I'm not saying that to put him down, I'm saying it because I feel the same way. I feel just as pathetic and all I want is to keep moving forward.

I'm hoping and praying this job with the ACLU works out. I hate this intense waiting game and normally I wouldn't get my hopes too high but the way the interview went and what the Director who interviewed me said to me, I can't help but get a little hopeful that maybe this will work out. Just the thought that maybe, just maybe, I have a chance to get back into doing what it is that I've spent so long wanting to get involved with. It would feel like I've actually accomplished what I set out to accomplish this year. Perhaps grad school can wait a little longer if this can pan out because as far as I'm concerned, I don't need to push going to Glasgow unless I'm still stuck here. I know I made the promise to go, and I will, but if I can get back to doing what it is that I really want to be doing, then I might as well post-pone it for another year if it comes down to it

I'm ready to get out of here. I'm ready to continue. I know I say it often, but I'm absolutely sick of it here. I'm sick of the commute. I'm sick of the menial, mindless tasks. I'm sick of the ridiculous melodrama this office produces. I'm in a place I promised myself I'd never be and now I'm fighting with everything in me to get the hell out of it. I'm still so drawn to just wander. I've read and reread "Into the Wild" and all I can think is how I wish I could do it. And I know that when it's all said and done, there isn't a whole hell of a lot stopping me from it, it's just me stopping me because I know better. I know that where I want to be doesn't involve becoming an untraceable vagabond. I just really want to continue to travel and have the adventures I so completely yearn for. I realize how cheesy it sounds, but fuck you because it's the truth. I YEARN for adventure and I'm not ashamed to say it. Wanderlust is something that not everyone has and it's my duty to keep that alive in me.

Strange Happenings...

I received a call Wednesday from the ACLU in response to a position I applied for in April. I wasn't expecting it just because it's been so long and I just figured the position had been filled by now. They asked if I could do a phone interview and I agreed and that's what I did Friday for my lunch. I sat on the phone answering questions about why I'd be a good fit for the ACLU. The Asst. Director who interviewed me, called me "cream of the crop" and told me that I have "a lot of passion" and I have a "great resume". Even if I don't get the job, just hearing that gave me the encouragement to keep applying to jobs that I want not just jobs I can get. It would be a pay decrease if they did offer it to me, BUT, I'd be living somewhere new again AND I'd be working for the ACLU. I find out the week of the 9th if I get it or not. Hopefully I do.

Tom Petty Has Finally Found Meaning...

I went free-falling at 13000 feet for 60 seconds before gently gliding to the ground for 5 minutes. It was the most amazing and liberating thing I've ever done. It definitely was the exact thing I needed to kind of put the seal on what this last year has felt like. I don't think anything else could've summed it up better than jumping out of an airplane at 13000 feet just praying to God that the shoot opens. For those 60 seconds, there is nothing and everything going through your mind. Trying to remember what they taught you in class and also think about the fact that you're free-falling at 120mph. It was just truly amazing to see everything from that high up. It was definitely the let-go I was looking for.

I just realized how pathetic the situation is and I need to move on. I'm better than that and I need to keep saying it and believing it, otherwise this is going to just keep happening and I don't want it too. I'm in a good place and this is the one thing still keeping me attached and I just need to let go and as hard as it is, I just need to keep going otherwise this whole process won't be as complete. It won't mean as much. I think that's the one thing I need is that complete transition.

Sometimes it's hard to believe how much I've spent really taken a look at myself introspectively and tried to gain the deeper meaning to my actions and have a better understanding of myself and the other people in my life. It wasn't until the past few months that I've gone from being quiet because I didn't want to say wants on my mind to being quiet because I want to figure out what's on my mind and then speaking it. It's been a strange transition, but a better one. At least I think before I speak and thus don't make as big of an ass of myself as I use to. Though there still isn't total censorship so that doesn't mean I've stopped looking like an idiot sometimes. "How many ounces are in this 40?" that is just deplorable, honestly :)

I don't deal with immature bullshit

I have this notion

I'm pretty sure if I do honestly end up in Scotland for grad school I might not ever come back. If I do, it probably wouldn't be for a good 5 years. I'm very excited at this prospect and talking with the Co-Convenor of the program I'm looking into doing is pretty amazing. Just the fact that he's excited about my research. I haven't really had that in awhile and it kind of makes me excited to get back to it.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about some things right now. All I know is that I haven't felt this secure about myself and my choices in my life. It's strange to think that I am an adult but when I actually look back on some of the things and experiences I have had, I realize I am really turning into one. I know I still have several years before I can consider myself a true adult, but it feels good to know that I'm on the right track with it all. The best part is the amount of uncertainty and just complete flexibility there is with what's about to happen. I look forward to the mistakes, regrets, and heartbreaks I have yet to go through because I know with that carries moments of utter happiness, sheer contentment and joy, with each time being better than the one before it. It's haunting but alluring all at the same time. I guess that's really the best way I can describe the first year post-collegian.

Shifting Up and Over

I received an email today from the co-director of the program I'm applying for at the University of Glasgow. He told me he was very intrigued by my research and that he wanted to talk to me soon about the program and me possibly attending. I honestly am still in shock slightly from it. I just cannot believe that someone in that position could possibly be intrigued by my research. It makes me feel really really good. Now I'm just nervous about talking to him and really actually starting this whole process, but as nervous as I may be, I'm really really excited.

There is definitely a shift happening. I'm definitely pushing myself more and putting myself out there again. It's slow, and it's going to be a slow process but I'm ready to move on from all that's happened in the past 12 months. I'm definitely taking my skydiving experience as a symbol of my letting go. Next Saturday I'm going to let go of everything that's happened and just fall, trusting in the fact that something will catch me before I hit the ground. I'm going alone because I feel it fitting to really take this action alone. I've dealt with a lot of things over the past 12 months and for the last 5 of them I've been going at it alone and this whole experience I'm about to have is going to be the culmination of a lot of time and heartache. I can't wait. It feels incredibly freeing and I honestly do think I'm going to walk away from it changed. I think this mindset I've been back and forth in for the past 2 months is finally going to settle itself for me. I'm finally going to let go and give up on the things that aren't worth fighting for anymore.

I haven't been given any reason to keep fighting except my own personal overly-romantic and idealistic reasons and next weekend I'm going to jump and leave that behind me. 23 isn't just going to be a number, it's going to be a new way of life. Wow, how corny does that sound? I just feel it's going to ring incredibly true. I think I'm going to go through a lot and come out changed when I leave that airport next Saturday. I'm going to be pumped, I'm going to be absolutely terrified, I'm going to be in disbelief and shock, but I'm going to be there and I'm going to go through with it.

After Shock...

There are few things in life I take seriously, my birthday has never been one of them. I don't really care for my birthday. It's never really been a fun day, ever since my Grandma died on my 6th birthday, it's never exactly been a day full of fun memories. The last good birthday I had was in 2005. Perhaps it was the company I was in or maybe just the fact that the day was mellow and uninteresting; either way, it was nice. The first really nice birthday I had had in quite a few years.

Last year, my birthday was pretty terrible. Whenever I think about it, it still sucks. This year I determined that fuck it, I don't give a shit, I don't want any big dinners or parties or cake or presents, fuck it, I'm taking myself on an adventure. I'm going skydiving. I'm jumping out of an airplane at 13,000 feet with a man and a parachute strapped to my back and I'm going to be scared out of my mind but I'm going to do it. And the thing about it all, is that I don't even a give a shit that it's my birthday, I'm going that day because I get a birthday discount. I'm super pumped. I'm going alone. Well, I mean, when I jump there has to be a professional strapped to my back but no one's coming with. I invited a bunch of friends but I didn't really hold out hope that someone would actually go with me. I'm ecstatic. I don't think I've ever been this excited for my birthday. Except maybe my 18th but that's only because I got to get my first tattoo.

This is the time of year I always dread. I'm not exactly sure why because I love this time of year but I think it's because it's the season of ever-evolving change. The whole spring symbol of rebirth; it really does create this season of unsteady understanding of what's going on in your life. I feel so confused and just ready to take it on, whatever IT is.

Random things I've seen this week:

-Our Ripley, TN driver brought moonshine in a jug of Carlo Rossi to share with us Friday
-"Tila Tequila" driving a giant white hummer, talking on her cell phone, and holding a tiny yorki in her lap
-Some kid on a scooter totally bite it into a wall in the women's clothing section at Target
-The gayest teenager ever who was my cashier at Target
-Gas rise above 4 bucks a gallon
That's all I can remember right now, but I'll add more when I think of it, cause there was lots

Burmese Cyclone

I find it absolutely sickening that nothing is currently being done about the situation in Burma. Now, I understand, this is not an incident where any one thing could've happened to stop it, it's an act of nature that no one was prepared for. How is it though, that the death toll is not rising by the hundreds but by the thousands and yet the burmese government is not allowing aide workers in or out. There are millions homeless without power, access to food or safe drinking water and yet, the aide that is being sent, is sitting in neighboring Thailand because the Burmese government won't allow it in. I'm just watching this happen day after day, knowing that the longer things wait, the harder it becomes for those just trying to survive the aftermath. It's what happened in NOLA only multiplied and on a much larger scale and the fact that even less is currently being done is just absolutely despicable. There needs to be some side-step here, something that will move this process along so the deathtoll in Burma does not continue to rise.

I want to be out there on the front lines fighting this fight. I want to be standing at the Thailand border trying to get supplies over to those that are in dire need. These are days that I just don't understand how people can be so selfish and uncaring of those around them. It was apparent during the Burmese protest back in late fall when the military government was trying to silence them quietly but there is so much more of a watchful eye that we knew people were dying and disappearing during those protests and now there's a national disaster and that same government is doing next to nothing to help. I'm appalled. Absolutely appalled.

Failing at Everything...

Not really failing at everything just trying really hard to get this figured out. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing. I think I explained it to Brian last night very well, I feel like I'm at this place in my life where I'm doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't end up doing. I pushed myself so hard to get into Knox and to get through it because I made the promise that I would not end up in this dead-end, going-nowhere job. I've just come to loathe it and all I want is to get out as soon as possible. Perhaps that's what spurred my unending need to get my resume out and just keep applying to new jobs. It's disheartening to do it though. Cause I'm just reminded of my whole last summer and Portland and just that whole awful mess, that I'm just both excited and terrified of going through this process because I had such horrible luck last summer.

It's always kind of scary putting yourself back out there and that is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm glad I'm pushing myself more because I haven't in a long time and I kind of need to before I just get too timid to do it. I need to continue this big risk-taking adventure I'm so adamant about right now. I just need to keep pushing.

Office Politics

This shit is getting out of control. I'm kind of in awe of it. I guess I didn't realize the amount of petty drama that goes on around here but god damn is there a lot of it. Between being told who we can and cannot take breaks with to people getting testy about someone not wanting to grab another person lunch while they're out. I'm entirely fed up. There wasn't this much dramatic bullshit in the business office and that was 7 freaking women butting heads.

I'll be honest, I knew this wasn't going to last. I knew I needed this job because I needed to get back on my feet after Portland, and I have and I've proven not only to myself, but to my parents and everyone else that I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I'm prouder than hell of myself and I don't care if I'm the only one who can say that.

I found the most amazing opportunity last night and I'm going to apply it. It's a fellowship to become a part of a charter school organization working to build up charter schools for k-12 kids in inner-cities where the public school system has pretty much completely failed. I don't know why I feel so compelled by it, but as I was reading it, I just got tears in my eyes and just wanted to be a part of it with everything in me. So I'm taking my time and applying because it's an extended fellowship program, not a job, and getting in is going to take a lot of hard work because I'm incredibly young and inexperienced compared to most of the people applying for the fellowship. I'm going to apply knowing full well I probably have a snowball's chance in hell of getting it, but god damn and am I going to go at it with every ounce and fiber of passion in my body because I don't think I've wanted to be a part of anything more.

I realize how bizarre that is but I feel like I'm ready to take that step and it was just a matter of finding where I wanted to go to do that and finding that fellowship was like a light at the end of the tunnel from this past year. Keep your fingers crossed, pray for me, just send me good vibes on this because I want it and I'm hoping to everything out there I can pull it off and get it.

Running on Empty

I'm feeling less and less encouraged. I hate that I go in and out of these states of understanding and contentment and into states of unrest and discouragement. It's frustrating. Every time I think about where I want to be, I get more and more frustrated because I'm at a complete loss. Though I don't mind waiting and figuring it out, it'd be nice to start heading in any particular direction because I'm sure as hell not content just being here.

I've started sending out my resume again. Though I've become incredibly picky as to where I apply because I don't want to get stuck in the same situation I was in last summer, nor do I want to find another place to settle at like I am right now. This whole year has just been difficult and I feel myself growing stronger in character and spirit which I feel is a good thing. I just wish I had a constructive way of pushing forward that didn't involve such great risks. Though I suppose the greater the risk, the greater the reward.

I feel like I took a few big risks though and none have panned out. Between the Portland risk and all that came from that and my risk in opening up to Tom and being completely pushed away, has just kind of discouraged me from pushing forward and yet, at the same time, I feel even more like putting myself out there. I'm just torn.

I keep having these weird dreams where I'm taking out my frustration and anger with everything. After spending the last two weekends down at Knox I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer there. And as much as I make the claim that everything about Knox has changed, it hasn't. I'm the one who's changed, not Knox. I've moved on from the college ideal and that's kind of hard to come to terms with because I do miss it. I miss my college experience and I want to continue to have that fun and growing experience because right now I feel like I'm at this great standstill when it comes to growth. However, as much of a standstill I feel I'm at, I've made great strides as to figuring out who I am and what I want, though knowing full well what it is you want, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to have it or know how to get it.

It's a blur. It's a blur of trying to figure it all out and trying to let it all figure itself out. It's weird because I feel deep down that no matter what, whatever does happen, it's for a reason. There is always a method behind the madness whether you believe there's one or not, it is there, it just may take some time before the reason makes itself clear.

I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I'm going to continue to sending out my resume and applying to grad schools. This is just a sucky waiting game of figuring shit out.

Spring time itch...

It's officially started. The travel bug I get every spring. The anticipation of just wanting to drive through the sun, with the windows down, staring out at the vast countryside or mountains, or ocean, or forest, I don't really care, just as long as I'm moving. I don't think the idea of adventure ever really leaves my mind. I just need to find someone to have an adventure with. Everyone I know is way too cautious or worrisome over money and time and jobs and I've just kind of come to the conclusion that regardless of bills and jobs and financial concerns, the need to discover is much more overwhelming. I'd rather satisfy that than the creditors constantly after my paychecks.

I think I'm might head down to the Smokey Mountains this summer. Stare at the Appalachians, maybe hike the trail for a few days. Or maybe I'll trek back out to the west coast again and check out the redwoods for the first time and discover the scenery of Idaho and Yellowstone Nat'l. I still have yet to see the Grand Canyon. I wish there was some way for me to just travel constantly and still get paid. Maybe that'll be my new quest. Find someone that will hire me to have adventures and then croon about them and they'll pay me for all of the juicy details of my great adventure...yeah, I wish

I'm definitely in the market for a new job though. I'm not satisfied with merely getting by. I need something challenging. Something I can enjoy coming to work to. This isn't it. Not that it ever really was, but at least I was learning something new and different and paying my bills. Now I'm just paying my bills and not having fun. Between the sitting in traffic for 4 hours a day, the mindless filing and data entry, and the strange small office politics, I'm just ready for a change. I've just come to this point where I don't want to feel stuck anymore. I'm ready to feel unstuck and constantly changing but making the same horrendous commute, sitting behind the same desk, pushing the same paperwork, filing the same bullshit, listening to the same squabbles day in and day out, I'm ready for something different.

I want to finally feel like me spending 4 long years at college earning a degree is actually worth something. I just don't want to feel as if I have to end up as some secretary with the ever-so-appropriate title of "office bitch" for the rest of my life. I told myself that being back home was a transitory thing, that I wouldn't be here for too long, just enough time to get me back on my feet and I absolutely MUST stick to that. I cannot stay content, especially when the job I have isn't even worth doing for the amount of money I make versus the amount of money I'm in debt. I will NEVER get out of debt if I stay here and that, that more than anything else is my main goal. Once I can honestly say I am debt free, is when I have absolutely nothing holding me back from doing what it is I want to do

..Maybe I'll just sell some eggs to infertile rich couples and pay off my debt that way....

Whatever happens at this point...it's all out of my hands

It's funny. Every time you think you just might have some thing figured out, you come to the conclusion that you were no where to begin with.

For the time being, I'm going to sit in this wash of grey until something clearer comes through. I'm kind of sick of trying to figure it out at this point. There isn't a complete conclusion for anything.

This whole experience of being back at home has been completely overwhelming in a good way. I think I've managed to figure a lot of things out for myself. Upon my return home from PDX in September, I took my time at home as a time for self-reflection and introspection and I came to realize a lot of things about myself and about who I am and what it is that I really want to do with myself and my life.

It's come to this point now where I just don't want to make concrete plans for anything. Not Scotland, not my relationships, not what I want or who I want to be with. As difficult as it has been, and let's be honest, for me, a person who constantly strives for order and balance; I've really started to enjoy this in-between. It has stopped being the overwhelming sensation and has become, more or less, an exciting area of unknown.

23 is fast approaching as is my 1 year anniversary of being a college graduate and the longer I mull those two things over and the more I think about all that has happened in these short 12 months, I've come to the realization that there is just something bigger. I'm not sure what.

I left my parents 2 weeks ago and as I drove through the construction zones on the highway and stared at the place I grew up and how much I have changed over the years and how much the scenery has done the same. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was on the brink of a huge life change. I'm not sure what or how, but it's coming. Perhaps it's this dying sense of urgency in having to figure things out. I'm starting to really be ok with the uncertainty of the future, in fact, I'm not only becoming ok with it, but I'm actually excited for it. Though I've spent the last year dreading what's to come, I've kind of changed my disposition completely, and now it's this exciting event, not having a single idea of what could be just around the corner, has become an incredibly appealing lifestyle that I do believe I will start to slowly entrench myself in.

Finding Complete Confusion...

I spent 3 hours on the road driving back tonight. 3 hours that I didn't talk, I didn't sing along to my music, I just sat, following the road, thinking. I think that a part of me was hoping to have something figured out for myself. Something that I could take away from and move on with but that didn't happen. I don't know what I was expecting but I know it wasn't what did actually happen. It's weird. That's about the best way I can describe any of it.

I kind of want things to be different but then again, when haven't I? I just keep mulling it over in my head. Everything I said, everything he said, if I got out the words that I needed to, if I came across the way I wanted to. I had no intention of upsetting a balance but I guess it was going to happen either way because it has been 4 months and when you see someone again that you have that much history with, it's bound to stir things up. I was hoping so much that I would see him and not feel a thing but I kind of knew in the back of my head that that was impossible. It's hard to sit so close to someone and be able to almost pick up where you left off in some odd way and not want to just reach across to touch them, hug them, kiss them, just be there with them.

I think at this point, I just need to sit back, and relax (as much as I possible can...let's be honest here) and enjoy the ride. The last 12 months have been one hell of a roller coaster and I have no doubt it's only going to continue this way. What's life without its ups and downs? Boring. Uninspiring.

I will say this. I think I've come up with the best possible way to start what I've been wanting to write for the last 4 months but haven't come up with a way to begin. It's funny. I kind of supposed that after I left Galesburg this weekend, I'd have some kind of ending but instead, I've somehow ended up with a new beginning. And I'm not sure quite what to do with it yet.

For Better or Worse

I want to be someone different. Who hasn't? This whole process is just absolutely exhausting. I want something different, something new. I can't stay focused for more than a minute. My mind constantly wanders somewhere else. I can't stop thinking about you and about us. I want to be able to leave it behind and let it all go but I can't. I haven't been able to as much as I've tried and I know that it takes time but I think a part of me doesn't want to. I don't want it but I do.

What do I do? Do I let it go? Do I hang on to something that will probably never work. I don't know and I don't think I'll ever really come to that conclusion without really putting it all out there. Except I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that either. I'm ready for a do-over. I really wish that was possible right now.

Lion's Den

What a stupid and ridiculous week. I've been exhausted but unable to sleep. I haven't quite figured out why I've been so stressed out and what's been causing my lack of focus, constant hair pulling, sleeplessness, and general all around restlessness.

I'm feeling unmotivated again. Which is absolutely ridiculous but I think I'm still trying to get it all figured out. I'm still going over everything a little bit at a time and right now, it's all just coming to a head and overwhelm me. I've been having terrible dreams lately which is causing what little sleep I do have to become incredibly restless.

Maybe its being here in Chicago for the first time and not at Knox that's creating this entire feeling of complete hopelessness. I think I just need a jump start. I need something new. I'm not sure what yet, just, something new.

Losing a little control...

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I think I'm becoming increasingly stressed about a lot of things that are going on. My living situation has grown less uncomfortable and at the same time more uncomfortable. The neighbors are the biggest problem. I think the previous post describes it all.

It feels like this past week or so has dragged on for a lot longer than it has. I think I've just been going through a lot more shit in my head. I kind of saw it coming. You can only avoid thinking about something for so long before reality hits you like a sack of bricks.

Painful realizations abound this week. I needed it. I'm still trying to figure a lot of shit out and I guess this is phase two of it. This is the time when I've had a little time to process and can start taking a deeper more meaningful look at things. Like reading a really good book for the second time. You understand the story line already and now you can look for the deeper meanings and symbolism and understand greater the lessons being offered....that sounds ridiculous but it make sense to me.

Chicago Police

I just had the Chicago police show up at my front door to ask if I was ok, and if I was arguing loudly, or if I was having a party. My upstairs neighbors are shitheads. I can't believe that. After yelling at us and cussing at us last night, they decide to take it one step farther and fucking call the police on me. They have been nothing but horrible to me and christine since we moved in, in December. I'm just kind of in shock about it.

I feel like I'm starting to reach this point of no return. I just keep thinking and thinking and I'm ready to jump. I'm finally ready to jump without second-guessing it again. And hopefuly it'll turn out to be a success.

I just need to keep figuring it all out.

St. Patricks Day funk

Tomorrow is St. Patricks day. I can't believe we're already halfway through the month of March. It's insane. But that does mean it's officially spring in 4 days and that means warm and sun and rain and just utterly fantastic weather because there's no snow or ice or frigid cold.

I think I've finally figured out what it is I want to do....and I'm so excited for all of it.

Spring is in the air...

It's true, it's finally starting to feel like winter is at it's always thankful end. The weather is starting to perk up slowly, the snow is melting, the grass is starting to poke through, only a few more weeks left before it's warm all the time. I can't help but get excited for it. It's always a burst of hope when spring comes. I always seem to find a new boy come spring too, so I mean, I have that to look forward to as well.

It's been quite a ride the past few weeks. California was brilliant. Teenie's wedding was last weekend and that was amazing. It was just so great to see her again, meet Spencer and the rest of her family, and see her brother's and just play catch up for a day. It was really awesome and she just couldn't seem happier. I don't think I've ever seen her this happy for as long as I've known her, so it's so good to see that and know that she is after all I've been through with her.

Hana comes to visit this weekend and she'll be here for about 10 days for Spring Break. I'm stoked to get some Knox reprieve after not having it for 2 and half months. I miss those little shits, hopefully bebe and ri and can come out at some point as well cause I'm still not sure when I'm going to head down to Knox again. I just don't know how ready I am for it. I suppose by next month I probably will because I'll be fixing to get out of town for a bit.

I hope spring brings with it a breath of fresh air cause I'm in desperate need of it.

Hope is the word of the month...

March is upon us, and with it comes the season of hope. Hope for spring and the end to a dreary and dreadful winter and hope that the new year will start to turn around for the better.

My mom lost her job a week ago. I found out 3 days ago because she didn't want to ruin my vacation to California. Although, now I just feel selfish for going when I know that it's probably not the wisest thing to do with my financial situation as well as my parents. It's been a rough few years and it only seems to be getting worse, though I don't want to have that pessimistic outlook, it helps nothing. It's just hard to see my mother, a woman who can have the most blind hope in such unforgiving situations, feeling utterly and completely beaten. This is the 2nd time in the last 5 years she's been laid off and it comes only one year after my father's lay off.

I can't help but wonder what to do from here. A part feels like I need to go back home, give up living in the city, and try to be there for them, make it easier, one less thing for them to worry about. It's difficult. I want so badly for it to be different, for things to work out but, at this point, especially with the impending economic recession, it's hard to stay optimistic.

This is the month of hope. The month of trying to keep positive and stay optimistic about the future. It has to be ok. It will be ok and I have to just keep reminding myself of that. My family has been through worse and we'll get through this speed bump as well, it's just, why now?

Spring is just around the corner...

As February is starting to wind down, Spring is starting to poke it's beautiful head around the corner. It's warm and rainy today, the perfect weather to remind me that winter will soon be over, even if "soon" is another month and though the worst may not be over, at least it's coming to its end.

I've found myself in a position where I can once again say, that I've found myself starting to have feelings for other people and I'm happy. I'm not just pushing out the bad and forcing myself to believe that things will get better, I'm actually finding myself really happy.

Ashleigh said something last night that made me really happy and that was "I have the old Karen back" she said "you seem so happy again, and I'm so happy to see you like this cause it's been so long" and it's true.

I'm happy to the point where I'm just ready to start making things happen and the weather is only all the more inspiring. Only 3 days until I leave for California and I could not be happier. I feel something moving and things are finally starting to happen again.

This is where it starts. That feeling that's been chasing me for a year now is finally pushing it's way to the top and I'm finally starting to feel it happen. Every time I sit out at the el stop or drive somewhere, I stare at the Chicago skyline and just smile, it's an amazing feeling to know that, though I didn't plan on being here right now, I am, and I'm satisfied and starting to make things happen.

For the Weak

I've been sitting in thought today, about lots of things. I went out, down to wicker park Friday night and while I was standing outside of the el staring at the city around me, waiting for Jules to show up, it kind of all hit me that I am in this phenomenal city and I'm young and outgoing and there is so much for me here. It was just this intense and almost automatic realization that things are changing, and I'm changing with them, and it feels a little nuts and little scary, but I'm going with it. I'm doing something that I've wanted to do for a long while and though I didn't get to this point the way I had intended, it's still a great feeling to know that I'm here and that it's starting for me.

This year most definitely didn't start off the way I had hoped for but I'm learning that that's probably for the best. There is this newness that I can't help but be excited for, even if I have no idea what it's about to bring.

Political Disruption and Re-unification

For the first time since I can really remember, there is this intensifying air among American politics. The presidential election this year is already making history just in the primaries, just in the announcement of possible candidates we've made history. I haven't been this enthusiastic about the politics of this country in such a long time. We've spent 8 years underneath an administration nearly if not more corrupt than the Nixon administration during the 70s. There is a definite change in the air of politics that this election is being followed not just nationwide but worldwide.

After Mitt Romney's exchange at his announcement that he is leaving the primary race for the Republican nominee stating in more words than less that his decision to step aside and allow the other potential nominees compete would help to impede the democratic race and thus aide in stopping the terror threat...so basically that makes those of us voting democratically and liberally, terrorist. Good to know.

It's that kind of conservative rhetoric that this country is becoming sick of. Although McCain is not my choice for president and if he does indeed gain the nomination of the Republican party as many political analysts are anticipating, it wouldn't be a huge blow. McCain is on to something. He's taken a beating from those more conservative in the GOP stating that he's far less conservative than the party lines would like him to be, but I feel the reason he is doing so well, is because most of us are sick of that conservativeness within our political atmosphere. We've spent the past 8 years under a neo-conservative regime that has lied and treated the public as if we were bumbling morons.

This change has been impending since 2004 and I think that it's finally come to the point where enough people are willing to push for that change that we're about to finally see the fruit of our labor. The primaries have already broken records in the amount of people voting for who they would like to see gain the party's nomination on both sides and I feel that by November, this air will have an electricity that hasn't been seen in decades.

PDX

I've been thinking a lot about Portland lately. I'm finding that there are parts of it that I miss. I feel like when I was out there, I was absolutely unattached and free, and it was terrifying, and it didn't end up that well, but it felt good to be so independent and I think I'm really missing that right now. I feel that much of that has to do with the fact that I'm so entrenched in right now. I have this job, that although I enjoy, I definitely don't want to see myself at in 3 or 4 years. I bought a car that is making the idea of picking up a going elsewhere almost impossible but I also know, full well, that if I really wanted out, I'd make it happen for myself.

Portland played such an important and very key role in how I've managed to get to where I am right now and I think that I'm reminiscent of it because I am so proud of myself. I have no problem admitting to that either. I couldn't be more proud of myself. I did something that not many people can say they did and although I failed and had to come back, I will never look at it as if it were a failure, but as something that pushed me into the stronger and more adult person that I am right now.

Perhaps winter should end so I can feel less stuck. It's hard to feel mobile when there's a foot of snow and slush on the ground, and getting from point a to point b is practically impossible when you're slipping and sliding all over the place. I know that California will bring me some relief and so will Dallas. I just need to remind myself that, this is it, there's nothing more to look forward to, it's all about here and now and whatever happens then, will happen then.

Dancing in the Moonlight...

One of those days when you can't help but think about the last thing that you were hoping to cross your mind. It's been one day at a time, and I will admit, things are much easier. I'm shocked by myself to be perfectly honest. I didn't think I would be handling it so well and yet, I am. I'm happy. I'm excited about where things are going right now and what I'm doing. I miss him. I don't think that'll go away any time soon either but it's for the best and I know that.

I get excited when I think about next year. I could be in Scotland, studying in a year and half which doesn't seem like that long. Right now it's about seizing the uncertainty of what's about to happen and just running with it. Which is exactly what I have been doing so far and so far, I couldn't be happier, it's a strange feeling.

changes...

starting over. that's what this is a signal of. starting over and really recreating what i am.

i don't think it's possible to describe the sheer terror one goes through when they graduate from college and end up out on their own. it's this absolute sense of being completely alone. there's no feelings of stability or happiness, just the overwhelming feeling of having not a single thought as to where to go from this point on.

it's a struggle. a real struggle for anyone who has to face it. now don't get me wrong, there are those of us who don't, who fight back against those feelings and push into something different but for the majority of us, it's almost as if life comes to a screeching halt without ever slowing down. it is just a lot of unanswered questions with no one to provide any real answers. it's a losing battle of who you thought you were and who are becoming which is ok, it's better that way.

i am 8 months into this game. it's been the most difficult 8 months of my entire 22 years and i can say that without hesitation. it's been hell like war, constant battles and struggles just to keep fighting this seemingly never-ending conflict. there's so much to take in and to learn and understand, and there is no way of preparing for it. the only way to deal with it is to take it all in head on and just clench your teeth and muscle through it.

at this point, my head is down, my fists are up, and i am pushing my way slowly into unknown territory, hoping to make it out both alive and victorious.