This shit is getting out of control. I'm kind of in awe of it. I guess I didn't realize the amount of petty drama that goes on around here but god damn is there a lot of it. Between being told who we can and cannot take breaks with to people getting testy about someone not wanting to grab another person lunch while they're out. I'm entirely fed up. There wasn't this much dramatic bullshit in the business office and that was 7 freaking women butting heads.
I'll be honest, I knew this wasn't going to last. I knew I needed this job because I needed to get back on my feet after Portland, and I have and I've proven not only to myself, but to my parents and everyone else that I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I'm prouder than hell of myself and I don't care if I'm the only one who can say that.
I found the most amazing opportunity last night and I'm going to apply it. It's a fellowship to become a part of a charter school organization working to build up charter schools for k-12 kids in inner-cities where the public school system has pretty much completely failed. I don't know why I feel so compelled by it, but as I was reading it, I just got tears in my eyes and just wanted to be a part of it with everything in me. So I'm taking my time and applying because it's an extended fellowship program, not a job, and getting in is going to take a lot of hard work because I'm incredibly young and inexperienced compared to most of the people applying for the fellowship. I'm going to apply knowing full well I probably have a snowball's chance in hell of getting it, but god damn and am I going to go at it with every ounce and fiber of passion in my body because I don't think I've wanted to be a part of anything more.
I realize how bizarre that is but I feel like I'm ready to take that step and it was just a matter of finding where I wanted to go to do that and finding that fellowship was like a light at the end of the tunnel from this past year. Keep your fingers crossed, pray for me, just send me good vibes on this because I want it and I'm hoping to everything out there I can pull it off and get it.
30 April, 2008
26 April, 2008
Running on Empty
I'm feeling less and less encouraged. I hate that I go in and out of these states of understanding and contentment and into states of unrest and discouragement. It's frustrating. Every time I think about where I want to be, I get more and more frustrated because I'm at a complete loss. Though I don't mind waiting and figuring it out, it'd be nice to start heading in any particular direction because I'm sure as hell not content just being here.
I've started sending out my resume again. Though I've become incredibly picky as to where I apply because I don't want to get stuck in the same situation I was in last summer, nor do I want to find another place to settle at like I am right now. This whole year has just been difficult and I feel myself growing stronger in character and spirit which I feel is a good thing. I just wish I had a constructive way of pushing forward that didn't involve such great risks. Though I suppose the greater the risk, the greater the reward.
I feel like I took a few big risks though and none have panned out. Between the Portland risk and all that came from that and my risk in opening up to Tom and being completely pushed away, has just kind of discouraged me from pushing forward and yet, at the same time, I feel even more like putting myself out there. I'm just torn.
I keep having these weird dreams where I'm taking out my frustration and anger with everything. After spending the last two weekends down at Knox I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer there. And as much as I make the claim that everything about Knox has changed, it hasn't. I'm the one who's changed, not Knox. I've moved on from the college ideal and that's kind of hard to come to terms with because I do miss it. I miss my college experience and I want to continue to have that fun and growing experience because right now I feel like I'm at this great standstill when it comes to growth. However, as much of a standstill I feel I'm at, I've made great strides as to figuring out who I am and what I want, though knowing full well what it is you want, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to have it or know how to get it.
It's a blur. It's a blur of trying to figure it all out and trying to let it all figure itself out. It's weird because I feel deep down that no matter what, whatever does happen, it's for a reason. There is always a method behind the madness whether you believe there's one or not, it is there, it just may take some time before the reason makes itself clear.
I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I'm going to continue to sending out my resume and applying to grad schools. This is just a sucky waiting game of figuring shit out.
I've started sending out my resume again. Though I've become incredibly picky as to where I apply because I don't want to get stuck in the same situation I was in last summer, nor do I want to find another place to settle at like I am right now. This whole year has just been difficult and I feel myself growing stronger in character and spirit which I feel is a good thing. I just wish I had a constructive way of pushing forward that didn't involve such great risks. Though I suppose the greater the risk, the greater the reward.
I feel like I took a few big risks though and none have panned out. Between the Portland risk and all that came from that and my risk in opening up to Tom and being completely pushed away, has just kind of discouraged me from pushing forward and yet, at the same time, I feel even more like putting myself out there. I'm just torn.
I keep having these weird dreams where I'm taking out my frustration and anger with everything. After spending the last two weekends down at Knox I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer there. And as much as I make the claim that everything about Knox has changed, it hasn't. I'm the one who's changed, not Knox. I've moved on from the college ideal and that's kind of hard to come to terms with because I do miss it. I miss my college experience and I want to continue to have that fun and growing experience because right now I feel like I'm at this great standstill when it comes to growth. However, as much of a standstill I feel I'm at, I've made great strides as to figuring out who I am and what I want, though knowing full well what it is you want, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to have it or know how to get it.
It's a blur. It's a blur of trying to figure it all out and trying to let it all figure itself out. It's weird because I feel deep down that no matter what, whatever does happen, it's for a reason. There is always a method behind the madness whether you believe there's one or not, it is there, it just may take some time before the reason makes itself clear.
I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I'm going to continue to sending out my resume and applying to grad schools. This is just a sucky waiting game of figuring shit out.
21 April, 2008
Spring time itch...
It's officially started. The travel bug I get every spring. The anticipation of just wanting to drive through the sun, with the windows down, staring out at the vast countryside or mountains, or ocean, or forest, I don't really care, just as long as I'm moving. I don't think the idea of adventure ever really leaves my mind. I just need to find someone to have an adventure with. Everyone I know is way too cautious or worrisome over money and time and jobs and I've just kind of come to the conclusion that regardless of bills and jobs and financial concerns, the need to discover is much more overwhelming. I'd rather satisfy that than the creditors constantly after my paychecks.
I think I'm might head down to the Smokey Mountains this summer. Stare at the Appalachians, maybe hike the trail for a few days. Or maybe I'll trek back out to the west coast again and check out the redwoods for the first time and discover the scenery of Idaho and Yellowstone Nat'l. I still have yet to see the Grand Canyon. I wish there was some way for me to just travel constantly and still get paid. Maybe that'll be my new quest. Find someone that will hire me to have adventures and then croon about them and they'll pay me for all of the juicy details of my great adventure...yeah, I wish
I'm definitely in the market for a new job though. I'm not satisfied with merely getting by. I need something challenging. Something I can enjoy coming to work to. This isn't it. Not that it ever really was, but at least I was learning something new and different and paying my bills. Now I'm just paying my bills and not having fun. Between the sitting in traffic for 4 hours a day, the mindless filing and data entry, and the strange small office politics, I'm just ready for a change. I've just come to this point where I don't want to feel stuck anymore. I'm ready to feel unstuck and constantly changing but making the same horrendous commute, sitting behind the same desk, pushing the same paperwork, filing the same bullshit, listening to the same squabbles day in and day out, I'm ready for something different.
I want to finally feel like me spending 4 long years at college earning a degree is actually worth something. I just don't want to feel as if I have to end up as some secretary with the ever-so-appropriate title of "office bitch" for the rest of my life. I told myself that being back home was a transitory thing, that I wouldn't be here for too long, just enough time to get me back on my feet and I absolutely MUST stick to that. I cannot stay content, especially when the job I have isn't even worth doing for the amount of money I make versus the amount of money I'm in debt. I will NEVER get out of debt if I stay here and that, that more than anything else is my main goal. Once I can honestly say I am debt free, is when I have absolutely nothing holding me back from doing what it is I want to do
..Maybe I'll just sell some eggs to infertile rich couples and pay off my debt that way....
I think I'm might head down to the Smokey Mountains this summer. Stare at the Appalachians, maybe hike the trail for a few days. Or maybe I'll trek back out to the west coast again and check out the redwoods for the first time and discover the scenery of Idaho and Yellowstone Nat'l. I still have yet to see the Grand Canyon. I wish there was some way for me to just travel constantly and still get paid. Maybe that'll be my new quest. Find someone that will hire me to have adventures and then croon about them and they'll pay me for all of the juicy details of my great adventure...yeah, I wish
I'm definitely in the market for a new job though. I'm not satisfied with merely getting by. I need something challenging. Something I can enjoy coming to work to. This isn't it. Not that it ever really was, but at least I was learning something new and different and paying my bills. Now I'm just paying my bills and not having fun. Between the sitting in traffic for 4 hours a day, the mindless filing and data entry, and the strange small office politics, I'm just ready for a change. I've just come to this point where I don't want to feel stuck anymore. I'm ready to feel unstuck and constantly changing but making the same horrendous commute, sitting behind the same desk, pushing the same paperwork, filing the same bullshit, listening to the same squabbles day in and day out, I'm ready for something different.
I want to finally feel like me spending 4 long years at college earning a degree is actually worth something. I just don't want to feel as if I have to end up as some secretary with the ever-so-appropriate title of "office bitch" for the rest of my life. I told myself that being back home was a transitory thing, that I wouldn't be here for too long, just enough time to get me back on my feet and I absolutely MUST stick to that. I cannot stay content, especially when the job I have isn't even worth doing for the amount of money I make versus the amount of money I'm in debt. I will NEVER get out of debt if I stay here and that, that more than anything else is my main goal. Once I can honestly say I am debt free, is when I have absolutely nothing holding me back from doing what it is I want to do
..Maybe I'll just sell some eggs to infertile rich couples and pay off my debt that way....
15 April, 2008
Whatever happens at this point...it's all out of my hands
It's funny. Every time you think you just might have some thing figured out, you come to the conclusion that you were no where to begin with.
For the time being, I'm going to sit in this wash of grey until something clearer comes through. I'm kind of sick of trying to figure it out at this point. There isn't a complete conclusion for anything.
This whole experience of being back at home has been completely overwhelming in a good way. I think I've managed to figure a lot of things out for myself. Upon my return home from PDX in September, I took my time at home as a time for self-reflection and introspection and I came to realize a lot of things about myself and about who I am and what it is that I really want to do with myself and my life.
It's come to this point now where I just don't want to make concrete plans for anything. Not Scotland, not my relationships, not what I want or who I want to be with. As difficult as it has been, and let's be honest, for me, a person who constantly strives for order and balance; I've really started to enjoy this in-between. It has stopped being the overwhelming sensation and has become, more or less, an exciting area of unknown.
23 is fast approaching as is my 1 year anniversary of being a college graduate and the longer I mull those two things over and the more I think about all that has happened in these short 12 months, I've come to the realization that there is just something bigger. I'm not sure what.
I left my parents 2 weeks ago and as I drove through the construction zones on the highway and stared at the place I grew up and how much I have changed over the years and how much the scenery has done the same. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was on the brink of a huge life change. I'm not sure what or how, but it's coming. Perhaps it's this dying sense of urgency in having to figure things out. I'm starting to really be ok with the uncertainty of the future, in fact, I'm not only becoming ok with it, but I'm actually excited for it. Though I've spent the last year dreading what's to come, I've kind of changed my disposition completely, and now it's this exciting event, not having a single idea of what could be just around the corner, has become an incredibly appealing lifestyle that I do believe I will start to slowly entrench myself in.
For the time being, I'm going to sit in this wash of grey until something clearer comes through. I'm kind of sick of trying to figure it out at this point. There isn't a complete conclusion for anything.
This whole experience of being back at home has been completely overwhelming in a good way. I think I've managed to figure a lot of things out for myself. Upon my return home from PDX in September, I took my time at home as a time for self-reflection and introspection and I came to realize a lot of things about myself and about who I am and what it is that I really want to do with myself and my life.
It's come to this point now where I just don't want to make concrete plans for anything. Not Scotland, not my relationships, not what I want or who I want to be with. As difficult as it has been, and let's be honest, for me, a person who constantly strives for order and balance; I've really started to enjoy this in-between. It has stopped being the overwhelming sensation and has become, more or less, an exciting area of unknown.
23 is fast approaching as is my 1 year anniversary of being a college graduate and the longer I mull those two things over and the more I think about all that has happened in these short 12 months, I've come to the realization that there is just something bigger. I'm not sure what.
I left my parents 2 weeks ago and as I drove through the construction zones on the highway and stared at the place I grew up and how much I have changed over the years and how much the scenery has done the same. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was on the brink of a huge life change. I'm not sure what or how, but it's coming. Perhaps it's this dying sense of urgency in having to figure things out. I'm starting to really be ok with the uncertainty of the future, in fact, I'm not only becoming ok with it, but I'm actually excited for it. Though I've spent the last year dreading what's to come, I've kind of changed my disposition completely, and now it's this exciting event, not having a single idea of what could be just around the corner, has become an incredibly appealing lifestyle that I do believe I will start to slowly entrench myself in.
14 April, 2008
Finding Complete Confusion...
I spent 3 hours on the road driving back tonight. 3 hours that I didn't talk, I didn't sing along to my music, I just sat, following the road, thinking. I think that a part of me was hoping to have something figured out for myself. Something that I could take away from and move on with but that didn't happen. I don't know what I was expecting but I know it wasn't what did actually happen. It's weird. That's about the best way I can describe any of it.
I kind of want things to be different but then again, when haven't I? I just keep mulling it over in my head. Everything I said, everything he said, if I got out the words that I needed to, if I came across the way I wanted to. I had no intention of upsetting a balance but I guess it was going to happen either way because it has been 4 months and when you see someone again that you have that much history with, it's bound to stir things up. I was hoping so much that I would see him and not feel a thing but I kind of knew in the back of my head that that was impossible. It's hard to sit so close to someone and be able to almost pick up where you left off in some odd way and not want to just reach across to touch them, hug them, kiss them, just be there with them.
I think at this point, I just need to sit back, and relax (as much as I possible can...let's be honest here) and enjoy the ride. The last 12 months have been one hell of a roller coaster and I have no doubt it's only going to continue this way. What's life without its ups and downs? Boring. Uninspiring.
I will say this. I think I've come up with the best possible way to start what I've been wanting to write for the last 4 months but haven't come up with a way to begin. It's funny. I kind of supposed that after I left Galesburg this weekend, I'd have some kind of ending but instead, I've somehow ended up with a new beginning. And I'm not sure quite what to do with it yet.
I kind of want things to be different but then again, when haven't I? I just keep mulling it over in my head. Everything I said, everything he said, if I got out the words that I needed to, if I came across the way I wanted to. I had no intention of upsetting a balance but I guess it was going to happen either way because it has been 4 months and when you see someone again that you have that much history with, it's bound to stir things up. I was hoping so much that I would see him and not feel a thing but I kind of knew in the back of my head that that was impossible. It's hard to sit so close to someone and be able to almost pick up where you left off in some odd way and not want to just reach across to touch them, hug them, kiss them, just be there with them.
I think at this point, I just need to sit back, and relax (as much as I possible can...let's be honest here) and enjoy the ride. The last 12 months have been one hell of a roller coaster and I have no doubt it's only going to continue this way. What's life without its ups and downs? Boring. Uninspiring.
I will say this. I think I've come up with the best possible way to start what I've been wanting to write for the last 4 months but haven't come up with a way to begin. It's funny. I kind of supposed that after I left Galesburg this weekend, I'd have some kind of ending but instead, I've somehow ended up with a new beginning. And I'm not sure quite what to do with it yet.
01 April, 2008
For Better or Worse
I want to be someone different. Who hasn't? This whole process is just absolutely exhausting. I want something different, something new. I can't stay focused for more than a minute. My mind constantly wanders somewhere else. I can't stop thinking about you and about us. I want to be able to leave it behind and let it all go but I can't. I haven't been able to as much as I've tried and I know that it takes time but I think a part of me doesn't want to. I don't want it but I do.
What do I do? Do I let it go? Do I hang on to something that will probably never work. I don't know and I don't think I'll ever really come to that conclusion without really putting it all out there. Except I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that either. I'm ready for a do-over. I really wish that was possible right now.
What do I do? Do I let it go? Do I hang on to something that will probably never work. I don't know and I don't think I'll ever really come to that conclusion without really putting it all out there. Except I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that either. I'm ready for a do-over. I really wish that was possible right now.
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