Whatever happens at this point...it's all out of my hands

It's funny. Every time you think you just might have some thing figured out, you come to the conclusion that you were no where to begin with.

For the time being, I'm going to sit in this wash of grey until something clearer comes through. I'm kind of sick of trying to figure it out at this point. There isn't a complete conclusion for anything.

This whole experience of being back at home has been completely overwhelming in a good way. I think I've managed to figure a lot of things out for myself. Upon my return home from PDX in September, I took my time at home as a time for self-reflection and introspection and I came to realize a lot of things about myself and about who I am and what it is that I really want to do with myself and my life.

It's come to this point now where I just don't want to make concrete plans for anything. Not Scotland, not my relationships, not what I want or who I want to be with. As difficult as it has been, and let's be honest, for me, a person who constantly strives for order and balance; I've really started to enjoy this in-between. It has stopped being the overwhelming sensation and has become, more or less, an exciting area of unknown.

23 is fast approaching as is my 1 year anniversary of being a college graduate and the longer I mull those two things over and the more I think about all that has happened in these short 12 months, I've come to the realization that there is just something bigger. I'm not sure what.

I left my parents 2 weeks ago and as I drove through the construction zones on the highway and stared at the place I grew up and how much I have changed over the years and how much the scenery has done the same. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was on the brink of a huge life change. I'm not sure what or how, but it's coming. Perhaps it's this dying sense of urgency in having to figure things out. I'm starting to really be ok with the uncertainty of the future, in fact, I'm not only becoming ok with it, but I'm actually excited for it. Though I've spent the last year dreading what's to come, I've kind of changed my disposition completely, and now it's this exciting event, not having a single idea of what could be just around the corner, has become an incredibly appealing lifestyle that I do believe I will start to slowly entrench myself in.