I spent 3 hours on the road driving back tonight. 3 hours that I didn't talk, I didn't sing along to my music, I just sat, following the road, thinking. I think that a part of me was hoping to have something figured out for myself. Something that I could take away from and move on with but that didn't happen. I don't know what I was expecting but I know it wasn't what did actually happen. It's weird. That's about the best way I can describe any of it.
I kind of want things to be different but then again, when haven't I? I just keep mulling it over in my head. Everything I said, everything he said, if I got out the words that I needed to, if I came across the way I wanted to. I had no intention of upsetting a balance but I guess it was going to happen either way because it has been 4 months and when you see someone again that you have that much history with, it's bound to stir things up. I was hoping so much that I would see him and not feel a thing but I kind of knew in the back of my head that that was impossible. It's hard to sit so close to someone and be able to almost pick up where you left off in some odd way and not want to just reach across to touch them, hug them, kiss them, just be there with them.
I think at this point, I just need to sit back, and relax (as much as I possible can...let's be honest here) and enjoy the ride. The last 12 months have been one hell of a roller coaster and I have no doubt it's only going to continue this way. What's life without its ups and downs? Boring. Uninspiring.
I will say this. I think I've come up with the best possible way to start what I've been wanting to write for the last 4 months but haven't come up with a way to begin. It's funny. I kind of supposed that after I left Galesburg this weekend, I'd have some kind of ending but instead, I've somehow ended up with a new beginning. And I'm not sure quite what to do with it yet.
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