Running on Empty

I'm feeling less and less encouraged. I hate that I go in and out of these states of understanding and contentment and into states of unrest and discouragement. It's frustrating. Every time I think about where I want to be, I get more and more frustrated because I'm at a complete loss. Though I don't mind waiting and figuring it out, it'd be nice to start heading in any particular direction because I'm sure as hell not content just being here.

I've started sending out my resume again. Though I've become incredibly picky as to where I apply because I don't want to get stuck in the same situation I was in last summer, nor do I want to find another place to settle at like I am right now. This whole year has just been difficult and I feel myself growing stronger in character and spirit which I feel is a good thing. I just wish I had a constructive way of pushing forward that didn't involve such great risks. Though I suppose the greater the risk, the greater the reward.

I feel like I took a few big risks though and none have panned out. Between the Portland risk and all that came from that and my risk in opening up to Tom and being completely pushed away, has just kind of discouraged me from pushing forward and yet, at the same time, I feel even more like putting myself out there. I'm just torn.

I keep having these weird dreams where I'm taking out my frustration and anger with everything. After spending the last two weekends down at Knox I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer there. And as much as I make the claim that everything about Knox has changed, it hasn't. I'm the one who's changed, not Knox. I've moved on from the college ideal and that's kind of hard to come to terms with because I do miss it. I miss my college experience and I want to continue to have that fun and growing experience because right now I feel like I'm at this great standstill when it comes to growth. However, as much of a standstill I feel I'm at, I've made great strides as to figuring out who I am and what I want, though knowing full well what it is you want, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to have it or know how to get it.

It's a blur. It's a blur of trying to figure it all out and trying to let it all figure itself out. It's weird because I feel deep down that no matter what, whatever does happen, it's for a reason. There is always a method behind the madness whether you believe there's one or not, it is there, it just may take some time before the reason makes itself clear.

I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I'm going to continue to sending out my resume and applying to grad schools. This is just a sucky waiting game of figuring shit out.