changes...

starting over. that's what this is a signal of. starting over and really recreating what i am.

i don't think it's possible to describe the sheer terror one goes through when they graduate from college and end up out on their own. it's this absolute sense of being completely alone. there's no feelings of stability or happiness, just the overwhelming feeling of having not a single thought as to where to go from this point on.

it's a struggle. a real struggle for anyone who has to face it. now don't get me wrong, there are those of us who don't, who fight back against those feelings and push into something different but for the majority of us, it's almost as if life comes to a screeching halt without ever slowing down. it is just a lot of unanswered questions with no one to provide any real answers. it's a losing battle of who you thought you were and who are becoming which is ok, it's better that way.

i am 8 months into this game. it's been the most difficult 8 months of my entire 22 years and i can say that without hesitation. it's been hell like war, constant battles and struggles just to keep fighting this seemingly never-ending conflict. there's so much to take in and to learn and understand, and there is no way of preparing for it. the only way to deal with it is to take it all in head on and just clench your teeth and muscle through it.

at this point, my head is down, my fists are up, and i am pushing my way slowly into unknown territory, hoping to make it out both alive and victorious.