Finding Home...

My weekend in Galesburg had its ups and downs. I left feeling better about a lot of things. It was so strange to be there and watch commencement and being reminded of everything that I felt and went through last year. It's even harder to believe it's been one year since I graduated. I was disappointed in myself for not having something more to show for it and I was jealous of everyone graduating this year and having that same amount of endless possibilities that I had last year. It kind of made me that much more aware of just how stuck in one place I am and it hurt a little but at the same time, though I'm stuck and I'm working my ass off on trying to get out of it, I'm also a lot more aware of what to expect from the world when it comes to job-hunting and just living on my own in-general. It's a tough pill to swallow and it won't sink in until September when you're not back at Knox getting ready for classes, but still at your job or still trying to find a job and keep figuring things out. I don't feel bad for those about to be completely caught off guard because I've been preaching my experience for the last year whether you wanted to hear it or not.

The one thing I did leave this weekend with that I didn't want was a 2nd degree sunburn. My back and shoulders are blistered and bubbled and I woke up today in such pain (4 days after the fact) that I couldn't put clothes on because the blisters have started to pop and wreak havoc on my semi-exposed nerve-endings. I've never had a sunburn this bad and it is the fucking pits. Have an entire layer of skin completely missing and having the second layer exposed is some of the worst pain I've felt. I hope that by staying home today and continuing to rub aloe and burn cream on it, it will start to heal instead of continue to get worse.

Perhaps this weekend was the necessary reminder for myself that I need to keep pushing myself forward and to stop looking back at the past hoping that it will someday find itself in the present again. It's not possible and I'm coming to find that as much as I miss certain things and certain people, I'm better off without them in my life. I'm persevering faster and with more efficiency than if I was still tied back. As much as it hurts and as much as I want things to be different, they aren't, and I think I just needed this weekend to finally accept that.