Scotland 2009

I am going to the University of Glasgow next fall. I was accepted. It's hard to believe but I was and I'm going. It's still kind of shocking. I've been talking about it for so long and it's actually happening. I'm ecstatic for the experience and that I'm finally feeling back on track with the things I wanted to do. It's a great feeling.

It's been snowing quite a bit. Right now it's raining. I really hate winter here. I realize I say it a lot but I really honestly do. I get the sad every year at this time. I need to move to a place where this doesn't happen. Where it doesn't snow 5 feet and get down to below 0. It's true that Chicago gets colder than Siberia at this time of year. I've weather.com'd that shit. The UK may be rainy, but it sure beats horribly cold and snowy/sleety/icy/rainy.

I'm going to miss Chicago. It's been pretty amazing rediscovering a city I've grown up with. Working downtown is pretty much an odd dream-come-true. Not that I've spent my life dreaming of working downtown, but I've thought about what it would be like to do so since I was young. To be one of those people who walks around downtown and works in a high-rise. It's bizarre. Probably because though I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like, I never actually thought I'd get to experience it so that's been kind of unreal and fun. I'll miss Chicago but I doubt I'll ever return for good. I'm having too much fun trying to figure out other cities. It will always be home though, I'll say that much.

10 more months and I'm leaving. I'm not sure when I'll actually be back. I don't think it will be until summer of 2010. I just want as much time abroad as possible. 3 years doesn't seem like enough time either. As weird as it may be, but it doesn't. I feel like once I'm gone, there's no stopping me from keeping going except myself. I want to see Europe but I also want to get in as much as the world as possible. I can't wait for Dubai and Cairo or Kiev and St. Petersburg. I have 3 years to explore it all and it's not enough time. It's silly, but it's important.

I'm painting again. That's been really nice. I was writing a lot but I've been writer's blocked for awhile so I started to paint again. Perhaps I will post pictures of the new work, but I also realize I always say that, and I don't follow-through. I guess we'll see.

To Keep Warm...

The sharp cold has reached Chicago and we're officially submerged into the icy-depths of the midwestern winter. Thankfully there hasn't been a significant snowfall as of yet, but it's only a matter of time. After the lengthy, cold and snowy winter from last year, I'm hoping this winter is a little more mild with a little less snow and a little less cold but it's a long-shot. We have notoriously shitty winters in this part of the country and I venture to guess this year will be no different.

I love getting off the train in the morning and seeing all of these people dressed in coats that look like they're made from comforters or sleeping bags that go all the way down to their ankles, with their hoods up, that are almost always covered in fur and pull tightly enough to where only some eyes and a nose are visible. I laugh. It's not even December. The coldest it's been here has been 19 and for Chicago, you might as well as say it's 40 because that isn't shit compared to the kind of cold we get. Winter is dreary and dreadful and though I'm approaching the one year mark of that terrible yet eye-opening break up, I can look back now without regret or worry and with the full knowledge that I'm can do better than that and that I've already started to create a path for myself as to where I want to go.

The thought that there isn't someone that is holding me back, has made it that much easier to find my way forward. It's funny. When I look back to a year ago, I remember wanting to be exactly where he's at with her and knowing he wanted to be exactly where I'm at now, free and alone to figure it out. It's funny how things change like that, how he has the life I wanted and I have his. I'm not jealous anymore about it because I honestly feel I got the better end of this deal. I'm in a position where I'm not being held back by anyone or anything and I'm pushing myself toward the things that I want. It's all relative anyway, I'm just glad that I'm not tied down to a person and a living situation and I'm free to roam wherever in the world. 10 more months before my adventure abroad and I don't see myself coming back to the states for at least 3 years if not longer.

When I fell through the sky with only a thin piece of cloth to save me from certain death, I realized how much is left out there that I haven't had the chance to find. As painful as it was last January, I look forward to putting it all behind me once and for all and taking 2009 as the blank slate that this year was meant to be. It was a blessing in disguise. The final push I needed to realize that I can't let another opportunity pass me by. I tried and failed, 2 and half years putting myself out there without hearing the response of even one 'I love you' and I'm finally seeing just how unfair it really was but I've learned from it and I don't regret my time with him, I just dislike the way it ended.

A regret is a mistake that we haven't learned from and I have learned more over these past 11 months than I ever thought could be possible. I would say thank you but I wouldn't mean it because I did this on my own for once and I have no one to thank, I only have the means to be proud of myself for taking full advantage of what could've been a great loss but turned into a huge gain.

In the not so subtle yet vague news of my life to date, my marathon training has finally broken through. I'm finally getting farther and faster. Thanks in part to the fact that I've quit smoking. It's been over a week since my last cigarette and now that I'm almost at 1 mile of straight running, there is no going back to those things because it feels way too good. I think at the rate that I'm going, I'll hit 1 mile straight within 2 weeks which is incredible not to mention something I didn't think was at all possible. MK is going to talk me through getting to the point where I can train fully aka run at least 5 or 6 miles straight a day. I'm still as determined as I was a month ago when I started, if not moreso, and that marathon in May is looking more and more doable every time I go running. Winter or no winter, I'm going to keep charging forward.

nano - wrimo

It is National Write a Novel Month or nano-wrimo. I tried this once before and only got about 10 pages in, which, without any academic motivation, is a pretty easy deal. I'm starting again though, 2 years afterward and hopefully being successful with it this time around. I'll post whatever it is I end up writing.

Sufficient update:

Knox Homecoming was this past weekend + Halloween. These two events rarely fall on the same weekend but this year, we got lucky. I actually had a wonderful time. I was worried that it wouldn't be too great or it would just be awkward, which I mean, it certainly was but for the most it was just as natural as being back at Knox after summer break. Seeing Ben & Karlina, I couldn't have been more excited. It was so great to see them and spend time with them again and it was also awesome for them to hang out and tell me I was less awkward than everyone else. I like being less awkward than others because usually it's the opposite. Scott came into town too and I was shocked as I'm sure everyone else was, because no one was expecting him so it was awesome to get to see him and actually hang out.

The best way to describe Knox this weekend was that it felt like home again being there and it hasn't felt that way in a very long time. It was nice. The only downside to my weekend, forgetting my book and shoes at Hana's. Being over 700 pages in to 'Atlas Shrugged' and knowing I have only 300 pages left to go and I left it, made me very upset last night while I was waiting for my train which was a half an hour late, and was sold out, and thus it took me til Kewanee wandering about with my things in hand, trying to find a seat. When the conducter did find me a seat, he sat me down next to a very large woman, in a broken seat, who had a baby sitting in her lap who wouldn't stop crying. Needless to say I was irritated as shit but Graham and Sarah saved me, came and got me and we spent the rest of the train ride in the dining car playing card games. I'm not taking the Amtrak again. I like driving too much, carbon footprint or not, it's just too much fun.

As per usual though, I got sick while there. Knox is like a daycare for adults, germs are just passed around constantly. So I feel like ballsac but I have Friday off and I'm not jeapordizing it. I'll sit here hacking up a lung letting snot fly out of my nose and on my computer before I go home or stay home sick. Election Day tomorrow...I'm a nervous wreck and I'm not going to bed til I know Obama won. Time for the weigh-in upstairs. Happy Nano-Wrimo.

Pink Nose & Apple Cheeks...

The fall has come. I'm glad it never went back up to 90. Galesburg & Homecoming this weekend. Excited to see some folks that I haven't seen in ages, not excited to see or possibly run into others but that's the nature of the beast. I know I'll have fun and that's what matters most.

I've been ferociously reading Ayn Rand for the past 2 months now. I always forget how brilliant she is until I start one of her books. I'm currently 400 pages away from being done with 'Atlas Shrugged' which means I'll have read all of her books, though not consecutively, I still think that that's a good thing. I'm glad I read them in the manner I did, it gave me a great perspective on her. By reading her books though, it has given me the inspiration to figure out a class curriculum and eventual teach a Feminist Philosophy on Objectivism & Ayn Rand when I start teaching. How nerdy does that make me sound? I have yet to start my master's and I'm already planning courses I want to teach when I become a professor :nerd alert: I don't mind, I'm excited. I also think that Rand's philosophy gets misconstrued constantly and people think that being selfish is her end thought which, I suppose it is in a way, but really it's not. I won't start going on about it here, but I feel as if people pass-over much of her teachings and dumb it down to make themselves feel better about what they're doing. Her philosphy is most apparent in 'Atlas Shrugged' and I think if molded properly, it's a great and fine philosophy to live by. Rand was a radical and at least to me, it's very apparent that radicalism has never led to anything even remotely constructive, but taken in small doses and obviously molded into one's own view, it can be a very constructive and positive thing. Here I am going on when this is nothing that I wanted to go on about.

I'm feeling motivated. Quite motivated. I know we're just scratching the surface of winter but I want to get it over with and find spring. I'm waiting to hear back about Glasgow. I haven't wanted anything as much I've wanted this since I was trying to get into Knox 6 years ago. Jesus, 6 years ago, that's hard to believe. Knox shaped me into something that I couldn't have done on my own and I'm thankful for that. Though I regret some decisions and wasting almost 3 years with someone who wasn't worth more than 5 minutes of my time, I know I've grown from that as well and I can't just throw that out, though I'd like to. Where I am now is eons away from where I could've been and that, that I am thankful and grateful for. I'm a better person and deserve better than what I was given and perhaps that sounds selfish but for me, it's the truth and I'm finally able to state it without guilt or consequence. I'll find what I deserve but until then, fuck it, let's have fun.

Remnants of Fall...

My lack of updating makes me bad at blogging. I moved back home to the suburbs to live in my old bedroom at my parents house so as to save as much money as possible for grad school next year. Though it was the right decision, I still regret it at times. Like on the weekends when I do nothing but watch movies, listen to music, and crochet or read. I feel like I'm 23 going on 70 and it's a bit depressing. I don't mind it though. I know it's a means to an end. Mainly Scotland & Glasgow fall of 2009. Less than a year. My application goes in at the end of the month. My letters of recommendation are done and settled and at this point it is just a matter of getting in the rest of the application. I'm sending it out on Saturday because I'm also applying for my passport at the same time. Kill two birds, one stone.

Things I have started to accomplish/work toward since being back here is marathon training. Working in an office with a bunch of professional athletes who ran the Chicago Marathon and the Ironman championship, makes me feel fat and out of shape so I made the promise to myself to start running again, which I have. I'm doing quite well and I know I'll be doing better as soon as I quit smoking, which is a current work in progress. Rockford half-marathon May 19th, 2009, I'll be there, running 13.1 miles. I'll be training all winter. I have exactly 7 months to get my ass in shape and it's doable, and I know it's doable, and well, I'm going to do it. Just in the last week since I started I've doubled my length of running time and now I'm at .5 miles...though I know it's a ways from 13.1, but it makes me feel good knowing that I'm making progress since I haven't ran in over 3 years and I'm still smoking. Though that's been cut in half and my goal is smoke-free by Thanksgiving. That's one perk of being back at home, I'm much more goal-oriented cause if I wasn't, I'd feel like a lonely, loser schlump.

There it is. My update. Marathon training for May, Glasgow application, & Passport application. I'd talk about the election but it's making me more and more anxious the closer it gets. My stomach is in literal knots and if McCain/Palin do win...I'm moving abroad and I probably won't be back. This is a fight I can't continue to fight. It's like fighting an unknown ignorant intangible fog. There's no use in arguing with the irrational. It's a futile argument. I just hope and pray that this ignorant fog hasn't settled and that Obama/Biden do win in 2 weeks. It's nerve-wracking. I may or may not have stolen a Palin sign from someone's yard on my run today, defaced it, then threw it away. Again, mere speculation, I may or may not have done this. There isn't proof (just don't check the garbage bin on the side of my house).

This election feels more like good guy versus bad guy than anything else and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat like I was when I saw Batman this summer stoned at the IMAX with Brian. God save us if the bad guy wins yet again.

I felt it

I said that I would post this and I am, though it is against my better judgement.

http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ddxtshkw_6dd9w4j

It's been a painful and bumpy ride and where I once thought I was standing on solid ground, I've come to realize I am not. I also realize how far I've come since being lower than low. I know I repeat myself constantly when I say this but that first year out is the hardest. It also makes you realize how impossible it is to conceive of the future. When someone asks me "what are your plans for the next 5 years, I haven't an answer. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I know I want to go to Scotland next year but that's about as far as I've gotten.

That's not where I wanted to start this post. I had this thought while I was "creeping" on facebook. I started to think about the mass phenomenon of online networking sites like facebook and myspace and friendster. It just makes me feel that much more solid in my thought that people are just looking for other people. We need social interaction and with the advent of the internet, it's easier then ever to keep in touch and meet new people. Though it can be dangerous, it can be just as dangerous meeting people the "old-fashioned" way. This is not well-thought out but I'm making my point (or so I hope).

Things are so vastly different now than how I had pictured it a year ago and I'm ok with that. I can't say I'm happy though and that's disappointing. But I'm seeing clearly and that matters for something. I like the autumn, it makes things brighter even if the days are shorter.

Falling into place...

It's hard to believe it's already September again. I feel like this year has been horribly fast and horribly slow. I'm feeling very encouraged as far as picking up the pieces of the last year and half now. I'm starting to feel strangely normal again. I'm more aware of myself and what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't think I've had this much clarity, wel, ever, as far as my goals and accomplishments are concerned.

I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.

My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.

Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.