One Month In...

I forget how far I've really come until I go back and read it. I don't expect that to make much sense. I've been far too emotional lately. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this update. I haven't felt much like sharing lately. I don't know what it is. I didn't think it would be this hard to let go of everything but it has been. I didn't realize how much I really created for myself in Chicago until I picked up and left it behind. I haven't stopped missing people and things since I first realized that I wasn't going back for 10 months. I know I should be enjoying the fact that I'm here and having this incredible experience but it's hard when I haven't felt at ease since the day I got here.

I hope this gets easier.

Ready? Set? GO!

Hour and a half til my plane takes off from O'Hare. I'll get into Philly about 730 and from there I fly out at 915 where I'll get to Dublin at 845 tomorrow morning. I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I feel like I should've cried more. I think I'm just in this daze of unreality. It's a surreal moment saying goodbye to everything and everyone and picking up and taking off for a new place and new people and a whole new adventure. I'm excited. I can't say that I'm not cause I am and though I'm sad to leave knowing I'll never come back again to the same people & the same places. Time doesn't stand still when you go and everything will keep moving while I'm gone. I expect it to and I want it to. It's just a little bit of the big picture it seems.

Safe travels today. I'll update again once I'm in Glasgow.

3 weeks

Paperwork is checked off. I have my visa. Plane ticket has been purchased and even my luggage is determinedly packed. Leaving the country for at least a year is something of a reality now. It's no longer this crazy pipe dream I had a year ago when I realized how badly I needed to get things figured out so I could start going after something that wasn't working some crapass cubicle job, paying rent, & struggling to figure out how being an adult worked. My solution: go back to school.

I'm excited. My panic comes in waves now instead of a persistent fringe anxiety attack that I've been avoiding for 2 months now. As of today, 2 weeks left of this cubicle in this company that is the epitome of what makes up "the man". Am I ashamed I sold out for as long as I did? Not really. It allowed me to get to this place where I can chase after something I never thought was within reach.

This is the first big step I'm making without the thought of "am I running away?" I'm not. I've just outgrown what's here for me and though I'll miss my friends and family, this is an opportunity I cannot pass up. Instead of running away I'm finally running toward something. I just hope that something becomes clearer once I have left, but I have a sneaking suspicion the lines are only going to blur even more steadily together the farther from here I go. It'll be like a reverse magic-eye picture.

Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band Mini Midwest Tour

Just got back from going on tour "with" Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley band a few days ago. I say "with" because we didn't actually go on tour with them, we just kind of followed them around the midwest for 4 days. Kansas City, Columbia, Louisville, & a surprise show in Cleveland.

Being on the road was one of those all time great adventures. I know last year when I went skydiving that I wanted to try and cross off items on my list of 'things to do before i die' and following a band on tour was definitely one of those things. After spending only 5 days on the road, Sharon & I were exhausted. We have mad respect for all musicians who tour all the time. It's a rough ride and we didn't go on-stage every night.

Having the taste of what it's like to constantly travel. To wake up in a different city every day. Cross state lines and put miles behind you and the place you were. Meet someone new in every city. It was incredible. Today was the most difficult day of work I've ever had. Having to return to the monotony of my computer and my cubicle and the woes of men with mighty egos was just hard. I wanted so much to be in the car driving to another venue to another show.

It made me that much more excited for Scotland. I can't wait to have that possibility to just go and see the places I've always wanted to without a job or anything holding me back. I want to be able to travel and never stop. That's where I'm at right now. I just want to keep going to I find what it is I'm looking for.

Extremism is still extremist, no matter what end of the spectrum you're on

i hate neo-liberals more than i hate neo-cons. extremism is a backwards movement no matter what end of the political spectrum you're on.

the only way to find a common ground is through give and take. you can't just take and you can't just give, it has to be a balancing act. to live with the idea that there's only one way to do anything whether if it's for a good cause like helping the environment or women's right or animal's rights, you're not helping anything by not allowing other processes & ideas to come into the picture.

i'm so sick of these holier-than-thou bullshitters who think that just because they don't buy into political main-stream thoughts and try just as hard to live "off the grid" they think they're making a fucking difference. the only difference they're making is allowing for more extremism to breed on both ends of the spectrum and making it more difficult for moderates to try and see what the push & pull of ideas from both ends can achieve.

i'm so sick of radicalists & their bullshit movements, get off your god damn soap box and get involved in some really fucking causes you high-horse living extremist fucks.

...PETA hit a nerve today http://tinyurl.com/klebua

May is the Month

I'm going to streamline this update, if for no other reason, than it's fun for me.

NEW:

-Got my passport & plane ticket: I leave for Scotland 09/09/09 (kinda weird).

-Moving back to Chicago at the end of this month, just for the summer, to spend time with Brian & live it up a little before I head out of the country for god knows how long

-Preparing for summer the only way I know how: working out like a maniac so as not to be a fatty fat

-On a whim on Wednesday I decided I was going to go on a 3 day mini-tour with Conor Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band this summer so from June 26th - July 1st I will be on the road with CO and driving through Missouri & Kentucky & then back home. (SIDENOTE: the new CO & the MVB album came out Tuesday = AHHHH-mazing)

That might be the only new news I have for now. Things have been chugging along pretty quickly the past few months. It's been quite a whirlwind and I have no doubt it will only be speeding up as this month hurries along into June and summer. 4 months left til I leave (almost exactly). Any advice for me, now's the time to provide it because I could use it.

Spring has sprung...

The rains have hit Chicago along with weather above the 30's. I love March, it's always the month where Spring starts to push it's way through the door and winter is forced to take a back seat. Eventually, I would really like to see winter just shoved out the door and do a tuck & roll in the middle of the Mojave never to be seen or heard from again, but alas, there's no such luck.

6 more months til I'm out of here. It's slowly becoming more real. Applying for financial aide has been a headache, but hopefully it will be done by the end of the month and I'll be able to finally rest easy knowing I'm more in debt but Glasgow is paid for.

I have a feeling the next 6 months are going to fly by and I'm not going to know what to do with myself. The past 2 years have been an uphill battle from the very beginning and there have been quite a few people that use to be in my life that didn't make it easy to get through it all but they've left for the most part and as unfortunate as it is to have your trust continually broken by people who meant a lot, it's easier now. I feel like the storm has finally past and the sweet smells of spring are just around the corner. Longer days are here & so are warmer weather and thunderstorms. It's hard not to smile.

Next weekend is St. Patrick's Day, well, the celebration, the actual day is the Tuesday after. I'm running my first marathon on Saturday in St. Louis. I'm nervous but it's only a 5 miles run and though I don't think I'll be able to run the entire thing, just being able to run half or 3/4 will be fine by me. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Spring is in the air...ok, not really

I wish spring was right around the corner but I guess I'll have to settle for 5 days up in beautiful NoCal seeing the redwoods and the ocean, oh darn. 10 days left til that great adventure begins. I'm excited to say the least.

We had our Black Tie banquet for work over the weekend. My dear friend Eric was my date and what a handsome lush of a date he was...though I have no room to talk. When your rich boss says "hey, fucking open bar" you don't ask questions, you just start ordering. 8 drinks later, it's time to go home and well, it's tricky. Eric, being the good drunk, went to bed. I, being the bad drunk, headed to the gay bars with Tony and proceeded to drink my way to stupid. It was a good night, I didn't make too big of an ass out of myself AND I didn't break my camera. All in all, good night.

The months are ticking down and Scotland is now closer than ever. 7 months til Glasgow. I cannot believe I'm actually going. It's strange. It's weird to think that this is the last February I'll spend here (I'm not complaining, I can't wait to get the fuck out of the midwestern winters). I'm excited. I'm excited to finally take the plunge into something that will end up being life-changing.

I have nothing more to discuss. That little fucker ground hog saw his shadow and thus we supposedly have 6 more weeks of winter. I still don't understand that whole tradition and why it matters, but meh, I'm going to California, so really, I don't care. I swear I'll finally start to post flickr pictures. I'm just lazy.

What a New Year

I am prepared to never speak of 2008 again, unless it's to explain how that year took a shit on me, repeatedly, over the span of it's entirety as a year. Though 2009 has only been about for 21 days, I'm prepared to say that it is, by and far, a better year than 2008.

New Years was exceptionally fantastic. Getting to spend it with 2 of the most important women in my life. I just came back from a long weekend in Iowa City seeing 2 other of my closest and dearest friends. I'm pleased with how this year is shaping up, minus finding out my ex-room mate stole my half of our security deposit and would never have said anything to me had I not done my own investigating. I have so much to look forward to it makes me smile. Besides Obama becoming president yesterday, I'm going to the big Cali to see the Redwoods in February. I've never seen these giant trees and I'm very excited to do so. I'm heading back to Iowa City in March to visit Ben & Karlina again as well as finish the tattoo I started.

Glasgow is 8 months away. I'm trying to get in as much traveling and seeing of people before I go. As terrified as I am about everything, I'm more excited than anything else and I cannot wait for it.

My lack of updates tend to prove how happy I am and how little I have to complain...I mean, talk about. I'll end here. 2009 is already shaping up to be a better year. Pictures of my new tattoo to come shortly.

Scotland 2009

I am going to the University of Glasgow next fall. I was accepted. It's hard to believe but I was and I'm going. It's still kind of shocking. I've been talking about it for so long and it's actually happening. I'm ecstatic for the experience and that I'm finally feeling back on track with the things I wanted to do. It's a great feeling.

It's been snowing quite a bit. Right now it's raining. I really hate winter here. I realize I say it a lot but I really honestly do. I get the sad every year at this time. I need to move to a place where this doesn't happen. Where it doesn't snow 5 feet and get down to below 0. It's true that Chicago gets colder than Siberia at this time of year. I've weather.com'd that shit. The UK may be rainy, but it sure beats horribly cold and snowy/sleety/icy/rainy.

I'm going to miss Chicago. It's been pretty amazing rediscovering a city I've grown up with. Working downtown is pretty much an odd dream-come-true. Not that I've spent my life dreaming of working downtown, but I've thought about what it would be like to do so since I was young. To be one of those people who walks around downtown and works in a high-rise. It's bizarre. Probably because though I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like, I never actually thought I'd get to experience it so that's been kind of unreal and fun. I'll miss Chicago but I doubt I'll ever return for good. I'm having too much fun trying to figure out other cities. It will always be home though, I'll say that much.

10 more months and I'm leaving. I'm not sure when I'll actually be back. I don't think it will be until summer of 2010. I just want as much time abroad as possible. 3 years doesn't seem like enough time either. As weird as it may be, but it doesn't. I feel like once I'm gone, there's no stopping me from keeping going except myself. I want to see Europe but I also want to get in as much as the world as possible. I can't wait for Dubai and Cairo or Kiev and St. Petersburg. I have 3 years to explore it all and it's not enough time. It's silly, but it's important.

I'm painting again. That's been really nice. I was writing a lot but I've been writer's blocked for awhile so I started to paint again. Perhaps I will post pictures of the new work, but I also realize I always say that, and I don't follow-through. I guess we'll see.

To Keep Warm...

The sharp cold has reached Chicago and we're officially submerged into the icy-depths of the midwestern winter. Thankfully there hasn't been a significant snowfall as of yet, but it's only a matter of time. After the lengthy, cold and snowy winter from last year, I'm hoping this winter is a little more mild with a little less snow and a little less cold but it's a long-shot. We have notoriously shitty winters in this part of the country and I venture to guess this year will be no different.

I love getting off the train in the morning and seeing all of these people dressed in coats that look like they're made from comforters or sleeping bags that go all the way down to their ankles, with their hoods up, that are almost always covered in fur and pull tightly enough to where only some eyes and a nose are visible. I laugh. It's not even December. The coldest it's been here has been 19 and for Chicago, you might as well as say it's 40 because that isn't shit compared to the kind of cold we get. Winter is dreary and dreadful and though I'm approaching the one year mark of that terrible yet eye-opening break up, I can look back now without regret or worry and with the full knowledge that I'm can do better than that and that I've already started to create a path for myself as to where I want to go.

The thought that there isn't someone that is holding me back, has made it that much easier to find my way forward. It's funny. When I look back to a year ago, I remember wanting to be exactly where he's at with her and knowing he wanted to be exactly where I'm at now, free and alone to figure it out. It's funny how things change like that, how he has the life I wanted and I have his. I'm not jealous anymore about it because I honestly feel I got the better end of this deal. I'm in a position where I'm not being held back by anyone or anything and I'm pushing myself toward the things that I want. It's all relative anyway, I'm just glad that I'm not tied down to a person and a living situation and I'm free to roam wherever in the world. 10 more months before my adventure abroad and I don't see myself coming back to the states for at least 3 years if not longer.

When I fell through the sky with only a thin piece of cloth to save me from certain death, I realized how much is left out there that I haven't had the chance to find. As painful as it was last January, I look forward to putting it all behind me once and for all and taking 2009 as the blank slate that this year was meant to be. It was a blessing in disguise. The final push I needed to realize that I can't let another opportunity pass me by. I tried and failed, 2 and half years putting myself out there without hearing the response of even one 'I love you' and I'm finally seeing just how unfair it really was but I've learned from it and I don't regret my time with him, I just dislike the way it ended.

A regret is a mistake that we haven't learned from and I have learned more over these past 11 months than I ever thought could be possible. I would say thank you but I wouldn't mean it because I did this on my own for once and I have no one to thank, I only have the means to be proud of myself for taking full advantage of what could've been a great loss but turned into a huge gain.

In the not so subtle yet vague news of my life to date, my marathon training has finally broken through. I'm finally getting farther and faster. Thanks in part to the fact that I've quit smoking. It's been over a week since my last cigarette and now that I'm almost at 1 mile of straight running, there is no going back to those things because it feels way too good. I think at the rate that I'm going, I'll hit 1 mile straight within 2 weeks which is incredible not to mention something I didn't think was at all possible. MK is going to talk me through getting to the point where I can train fully aka run at least 5 or 6 miles straight a day. I'm still as determined as I was a month ago when I started, if not moreso, and that marathon in May is looking more and more doable every time I go running. Winter or no winter, I'm going to keep charging forward.

nano - wrimo

It is National Write a Novel Month or nano-wrimo. I tried this once before and only got about 10 pages in, which, without any academic motivation, is a pretty easy deal. I'm starting again though, 2 years afterward and hopefully being successful with it this time around. I'll post whatever it is I end up writing.

Sufficient update:

Knox Homecoming was this past weekend + Halloween. These two events rarely fall on the same weekend but this year, we got lucky. I actually had a wonderful time. I was worried that it wouldn't be too great or it would just be awkward, which I mean, it certainly was but for the most it was just as natural as being back at Knox after summer break. Seeing Ben & Karlina, I couldn't have been more excited. It was so great to see them and spend time with them again and it was also awesome for them to hang out and tell me I was less awkward than everyone else. I like being less awkward than others because usually it's the opposite. Scott came into town too and I was shocked as I'm sure everyone else was, because no one was expecting him so it was awesome to get to see him and actually hang out.

The best way to describe Knox this weekend was that it felt like home again being there and it hasn't felt that way in a very long time. It was nice. The only downside to my weekend, forgetting my book and shoes at Hana's. Being over 700 pages in to 'Atlas Shrugged' and knowing I have only 300 pages left to go and I left it, made me very upset last night while I was waiting for my train which was a half an hour late, and was sold out, and thus it took me til Kewanee wandering about with my things in hand, trying to find a seat. When the conducter did find me a seat, he sat me down next to a very large woman, in a broken seat, who had a baby sitting in her lap who wouldn't stop crying. Needless to say I was irritated as shit but Graham and Sarah saved me, came and got me and we spent the rest of the train ride in the dining car playing card games. I'm not taking the Amtrak again. I like driving too much, carbon footprint or not, it's just too much fun.

As per usual though, I got sick while there. Knox is like a daycare for adults, germs are just passed around constantly. So I feel like ballsac but I have Friday off and I'm not jeapordizing it. I'll sit here hacking up a lung letting snot fly out of my nose and on my computer before I go home or stay home sick. Election Day tomorrow...I'm a nervous wreck and I'm not going to bed til I know Obama won. Time for the weigh-in upstairs. Happy Nano-Wrimo.

Pink Nose & Apple Cheeks...

The fall has come. I'm glad it never went back up to 90. Galesburg & Homecoming this weekend. Excited to see some folks that I haven't seen in ages, not excited to see or possibly run into others but that's the nature of the beast. I know I'll have fun and that's what matters most.

I've been ferociously reading Ayn Rand for the past 2 months now. I always forget how brilliant she is until I start one of her books. I'm currently 400 pages away from being done with 'Atlas Shrugged' which means I'll have read all of her books, though not consecutively, I still think that that's a good thing. I'm glad I read them in the manner I did, it gave me a great perspective on her. By reading her books though, it has given me the inspiration to figure out a class curriculum and eventual teach a Feminist Philosophy on Objectivism & Ayn Rand when I start teaching. How nerdy does that make me sound? I have yet to start my master's and I'm already planning courses I want to teach when I become a professor :nerd alert: I don't mind, I'm excited. I also think that Rand's philosophy gets misconstrued constantly and people think that being selfish is her end thought which, I suppose it is in a way, but really it's not. I won't start going on about it here, but I feel as if people pass-over much of her teachings and dumb it down to make themselves feel better about what they're doing. Her philosphy is most apparent in 'Atlas Shrugged' and I think if molded properly, it's a great and fine philosophy to live by. Rand was a radical and at least to me, it's very apparent that radicalism has never led to anything even remotely constructive, but taken in small doses and obviously molded into one's own view, it can be a very constructive and positive thing. Here I am going on when this is nothing that I wanted to go on about.

I'm feeling motivated. Quite motivated. I know we're just scratching the surface of winter but I want to get it over with and find spring. I'm waiting to hear back about Glasgow. I haven't wanted anything as much I've wanted this since I was trying to get into Knox 6 years ago. Jesus, 6 years ago, that's hard to believe. Knox shaped me into something that I couldn't have done on my own and I'm thankful for that. Though I regret some decisions and wasting almost 3 years with someone who wasn't worth more than 5 minutes of my time, I know I've grown from that as well and I can't just throw that out, though I'd like to. Where I am now is eons away from where I could've been and that, that I am thankful and grateful for. I'm a better person and deserve better than what I was given and perhaps that sounds selfish but for me, it's the truth and I'm finally able to state it without guilt or consequence. I'll find what I deserve but until then, fuck it, let's have fun.

Remnants of Fall...

My lack of updating makes me bad at blogging. I moved back home to the suburbs to live in my old bedroom at my parents house so as to save as much money as possible for grad school next year. Though it was the right decision, I still regret it at times. Like on the weekends when I do nothing but watch movies, listen to music, and crochet or read. I feel like I'm 23 going on 70 and it's a bit depressing. I don't mind it though. I know it's a means to an end. Mainly Scotland & Glasgow fall of 2009. Less than a year. My application goes in at the end of the month. My letters of recommendation are done and settled and at this point it is just a matter of getting in the rest of the application. I'm sending it out on Saturday because I'm also applying for my passport at the same time. Kill two birds, one stone.

Things I have started to accomplish/work toward since being back here is marathon training. Working in an office with a bunch of professional athletes who ran the Chicago Marathon and the Ironman championship, makes me feel fat and out of shape so I made the promise to myself to start running again, which I have. I'm doing quite well and I know I'll be doing better as soon as I quit smoking, which is a current work in progress. Rockford half-marathon May 19th, 2009, I'll be there, running 13.1 miles. I'll be training all winter. I have exactly 7 months to get my ass in shape and it's doable, and I know it's doable, and well, I'm going to do it. Just in the last week since I started I've doubled my length of running time and now I'm at .5 miles...though I know it's a ways from 13.1, but it makes me feel good knowing that I'm making progress since I haven't ran in over 3 years and I'm still smoking. Though that's been cut in half and my goal is smoke-free by Thanksgiving. That's one perk of being back at home, I'm much more goal-oriented cause if I wasn't, I'd feel like a lonely, loser schlump.

There it is. My update. Marathon training for May, Glasgow application, & Passport application. I'd talk about the election but it's making me more and more anxious the closer it gets. My stomach is in literal knots and if McCain/Palin do win...I'm moving abroad and I probably won't be back. This is a fight I can't continue to fight. It's like fighting an unknown ignorant intangible fog. There's no use in arguing with the irrational. It's a futile argument. I just hope and pray that this ignorant fog hasn't settled and that Obama/Biden do win in 2 weeks. It's nerve-wracking. I may or may not have stolen a Palin sign from someone's yard on my run today, defaced it, then threw it away. Again, mere speculation, I may or may not have done this. There isn't proof (just don't check the garbage bin on the side of my house).

This election feels more like good guy versus bad guy than anything else and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat like I was when I saw Batman this summer stoned at the IMAX with Brian. God save us if the bad guy wins yet again.

I felt it

I said that I would post this and I am, though it is against my better judgement.

http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ddxtshkw_6dd9w4j

It's been a painful and bumpy ride and where I once thought I was standing on solid ground, I've come to realize I am not. I also realize how far I've come since being lower than low. I know I repeat myself constantly when I say this but that first year out is the hardest. It also makes you realize how impossible it is to conceive of the future. When someone asks me "what are your plans for the next 5 years, I haven't an answer. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I know I want to go to Scotland next year but that's about as far as I've gotten.

That's not where I wanted to start this post. I had this thought while I was "creeping" on facebook. I started to think about the mass phenomenon of online networking sites like facebook and myspace and friendster. It just makes me feel that much more solid in my thought that people are just looking for other people. We need social interaction and with the advent of the internet, it's easier then ever to keep in touch and meet new people. Though it can be dangerous, it can be just as dangerous meeting people the "old-fashioned" way. This is not well-thought out but I'm making my point (or so I hope).

Things are so vastly different now than how I had pictured it a year ago and I'm ok with that. I can't say I'm happy though and that's disappointing. But I'm seeing clearly and that matters for something. I like the autumn, it makes things brighter even if the days are shorter.

Falling into place...

It's hard to believe it's already September again. I feel like this year has been horribly fast and horribly slow. I'm feeling very encouraged as far as picking up the pieces of the last year and half now. I'm starting to feel strangely normal again. I'm more aware of myself and what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't think I've had this much clarity, wel, ever, as far as my goals and accomplishments are concerned.

I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.

My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.

Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.

I've bit my tongue and tried to keep from saying what it is that is on my mind. I know that political and moral rantings and raving is not necessarily what I use this blog for and though I realize that I should find a new space to post this, but for now this is what I will work with.

I've spent almost a year now pushing and pulling myself into so many directions I should be completely morphed as a body. From here to there to anywhere in between. What I thought I wanted 6 months ago is nothing I could dream of wanting now. The political atmosphere in this country is electric. Everyone has an opinion about how and what should be happening. We claim we want change and though I have no doubt that the majority of people do, it's one thing to want and it's completely separate to go after it. It's very distinctive those who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the change they seek and I believe that we as a country and as a people haven't seen enough suffering to really believe what true change looks like. We didn't grow up during the Great Depression, we didn't live through a World War. This war we're fighting now, is a television war, a war we're so distanced and far away from we barely can acknowledge it until something awful happens because of it. We've settled on high gas prices, we've settled on the economic recession, we've even settled as to what our so-called "President" and his cabinet have done for the last 8 years. We cry change but I don't know who is willing to sacrifice themselves for it.

I thought I was. I left college with all of the hopes and ideals that someone graduating from a Liberal Arts College should. I walked into the world thinking this is my chance to stamp it with the change I want to see. This is my opportunity to do something my parents were too scared to do. So I left. I packed up and I moved out West. Took a job for a company claiming to be a Grassroots Movement and it was working for them that I realized that those that claim to be the change we want to see, our just shells of a good idea gone terribly bad. It's these anarchists movements, these grassroots campaigns, claiming change for the better of the people that are exactly what change shouldn't be. It shouldn't be a false claim providing a faulty product. It should be something of passion and of virtue. Something deep from within, not something that sounds good but will never work.

I've seen the devastation that can happen in moments of government lapse. I was in New Orleans post-Katrina just months after families were allowed back to see their broken homes and non-existent neighborhoods. It changes you. Meeting those people and seeing first-hand the destruction and horrible devastation that occurs after these tragedies. And yes, they are tragedies. Watching a family be torn apart, ripped away from their homes and their families and completely unsure of ever returning, it's a tragedy and seeing it, it changes you. Walking around a section of earth, all buildings torn and crumbled, buildings that weren't in this condition more than 7 months prior. You see bikes in trees, cars flipped over, "possible dead-body" scrolled in spray paint on the side of a house that's been ripped from it's foundation. You meet the families of these homes and find that they're living spread out across the country with other family members, or in shelters for those displaced by the storm. They wear a heavy sadness that can really only be found in those that have known loss and pain to the extent that they do. This changes you. It changed me. And I'm not trying to sit here and paint myself the martyr of human-suffering. Nothing of the sort.

What I'm trying to get at is this: if we want to see change happen we have to be willing to work together to create it. The radicals and the passively political need to combine to create the change we want to see. Change is not something that happens over night. It's not something that we'll see in our lifetime most likely. It is a gradual process of push and pull, of give and take and you have to be willing to understand that. You have to be open to the idea that everything you think is right might not be and you have to be willing to change accordingly. It's not black and white, it's a series of grays that are constantly fluctuating.

It's best to make your own decisions and not be led down a path of self-discovery by someone else. There are choices we're forced to make the older we get and the choice of following another into self-understanding or taking the time and courage to understand it ourselves is the biggest. Perhaps it's just my bias, but it seems that most great ideas come from the time we've spent alone with ourselves. Martin Luther came up with the 95 Theses for Lutheranism on the toilet. As funny as it is, it is these moments alone that we're able to find the most clarity if we're willing to take the time to step back and notice it. The choices we make in life, for better or worse, define us as people. We're a constantly changing species and I have no doubt that this upcoming election will bring a much needed and much necessary change for this country but at the same time, we have to be open to the idea that there will be things that happen that won't be what we wanted but it's that give and take that's needed to constantly keep striving for our ultimate goals.

Don't let other define who you are and what you believe, by doing so you're closing yourself to change and though almost always terrifying, change is needed for growth. If we as a species never questioned what we were told to believe in, we would have never evolved into the species we are now. Humanity is only a danger to itself. Between passivity toward change and aggressive radicalism toward a specific change that's not necessarily for the best, it's a danger. It's a constant fight against ignorance and intolerance, and even those on the liberal side can be just as ignorant as those on the conservative. I've played witness to ignorance on both sides and find it sad that so many people can cut themselves off to change because of one particular idea that they so zealously need to chase after.

If there is anything I've learned is that choices should be made according to yourself, not someone else. It's too easy to follow what others are saying, it's much harder to question it and discover what it is you believe in. Take the time. Change doesn't come quick or easy, but it's still a possibility if we leave ourselves open. So question everything I've just written and make the decision for yourself whether to move forward from it or pass it off as just another "chant for change" we've become so accustomed to hearing through these past several months of political ferocity in this country.

Positive Feedback

No news is good news...I'm curious what jackass came up with that. Isn't it almost the same as ignorance is bliss? Maybe not as severe...well, that's actually debatable.

I'm just getting over my annual summer cold. Though, this one wasn't as severe as last year, but then again, I'm not suffering from exhaustion.

I'm looking at apartments for the fall this weekend. Since stine is moving in with ryan, i'm kind of out on my ass with no place to go and no one to live with. I was going to move in with Joe, and I still might but it's up in the air until he finds a job. I figure I might as well cover my ass until I hear from him. I'm checking out places in Lakeview (aka Wrigleyville/Boystown) shut up, I know it's cliche of me, but I'm over it because they have some of the cheapest studios I've been able to find that are still in the city and not in Rogers Park or farther north.

I got new glasses. They're fun though no one's really noticed the difference which is slightly disappointing I won't lie. I've been writing a lot lately. Perhaps because I've had a lot on my mind. Who knows. I've been going back and forth as to whether I want to post one of my non-fictions up here but I'm still not sure. Putting it out there is a little more than I want to bear at the moment. Over anything I've done in my life, writing has been the one thing I'm the most self-concious about. It's like standing in front of thousands of people bareass naked with a jumbo-tron in the background. yeesh, no thanks. I suppose I eventually need to face my fears about this though so what the hell. Be expecting that link up soon...I have to edit because I wrote a lot of it while......well I"m sure you can figure it out, so there's a lot of typos.

Lactose Intolerance...

I've eaten delicious, home-made ice cream two nights in a row b/c Alana works for one of the best ice cream shoppes in Chicago and has treated me to ice cream for the last two nights and woh. My tummy is a quakin'. But it's so delicious so it's hard to say no.

3rd week at Northwestern Mutual. I'm finally starting to ease into my new job. I have a better idea of what I'm doing and I'll be licensed for insurance soon. So you know, if you need insurance of the life or disability variety, I can help you out....Everyone keeps asking why I don't just become a financial representative myself instead of working for a bunch of them and all I can say is I already feel like a sell-out working here in general, if I were to sell my soul to the devil to make 6 figures a year, I couldn't live with myself. I realize that's a little self-righteous but fuck off because it's the truth.

I get new glasses this weekend, or at least they'll hopefully be ready. Went to the eye Dr Saturday, she said my eyes have gotten worse. Not significantly, but worse no less and my dreams of having contacts were kind of smooshed upon visit as well. Apparently, due to my astigmatism and the severe pointedness of my cornea's, I'm kind of shit out of luck in the contact area. So I picked out a new pair of glasses to feel better. I like them. I'll post pictures of them at some point, once I get them. I suppose I should start putting my flckr into use and posting pictures of things I talk about but it's an effort that for the most part, I don't really want to make.

It's a little hard to believe this year is more than halfway over. It's kind of a constant reminder that I'm no longer in college. Months have just melted into one another now that I'm out in the working world. It's a little disappointing and I'm trying to remedy this by continuing to pursue Glasgow with the same veracity I pursued Knox with my Senior year of High School. At this point, it's just a matter of having transcripts sent off and letters of recommendation sent out. I'm hoping to have an acceptance letter in the mail by September or October and a deference for Fall of 2009 in my pocket. We'll see what happens.

The Big Kid World...

I started at Northwestern Mutual Financial on Monday. It's strange to be doing something I never thought I would be doing. The people here are great. The office dynamic is something I could most definitely do my Master's Thesis on. All of the financial reps are these uber conservative MBA's or soon-to-be MBA's who only care about more money and everyone on staff are these uber liberals, make fun of the reps, kind of people. I adore it.

It's nice to know that my financial problems are less of a problem now. I finally feel like all the work I've put into trying to get back on my own two feet over the past year are finally paying off. I talked to my dad last week and he ju st kept telling me how proud he was and how much he wishes me all the luck in the world to keep going and make myself happy. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have pushed myself and pushed myself and I'm finally at a place where I can see where it is I'm trying to go and what I'm trying to do and the different steps I have to take to get me there.

The past few months really have been this huge transition into a new beginning. The fact that I've done it on my own makes me that much more proud of myself. I'm finally starting to realize that I'm the strong and capable person that I never thought I could be. I'm happy. I'm more than happy. I'm elated. This has been a rough and tumble process and I'm glad that I've finally gotten a little bit of breathing room. Not to say there won't be more to come, but at least I can catch my breath at this point.