Pink Nose & Apple Cheeks...

The fall has come. I'm glad it never went back up to 90. Galesburg & Homecoming this weekend. Excited to see some folks that I haven't seen in ages, not excited to see or possibly run into others but that's the nature of the beast. I know I'll have fun and that's what matters most.

I've been ferociously reading Ayn Rand for the past 2 months now. I always forget how brilliant she is until I start one of her books. I'm currently 400 pages away from being done with 'Atlas Shrugged' which means I'll have read all of her books, though not consecutively, I still think that that's a good thing. I'm glad I read them in the manner I did, it gave me a great perspective on her. By reading her books though, it has given me the inspiration to figure out a class curriculum and eventual teach a Feminist Philosophy on Objectivism & Ayn Rand when I start teaching. How nerdy does that make me sound? I have yet to start my master's and I'm already planning courses I want to teach when I become a professor :nerd alert: I don't mind, I'm excited. I also think that Rand's philosophy gets misconstrued constantly and people think that being selfish is her end thought which, I suppose it is in a way, but really it's not. I won't start going on about it here, but I feel as if people pass-over much of her teachings and dumb it down to make themselves feel better about what they're doing. Her philosphy is most apparent in 'Atlas Shrugged' and I think if molded properly, it's a great and fine philosophy to live by. Rand was a radical and at least to me, it's very apparent that radicalism has never led to anything even remotely constructive, but taken in small doses and obviously molded into one's own view, it can be a very constructive and positive thing. Here I am going on when this is nothing that I wanted to go on about.

I'm feeling motivated. Quite motivated. I know we're just scratching the surface of winter but I want to get it over with and find spring. I'm waiting to hear back about Glasgow. I haven't wanted anything as much I've wanted this since I was trying to get into Knox 6 years ago. Jesus, 6 years ago, that's hard to believe. Knox shaped me into something that I couldn't have done on my own and I'm thankful for that. Though I regret some decisions and wasting almost 3 years with someone who wasn't worth more than 5 minutes of my time, I know I've grown from that as well and I can't just throw that out, though I'd like to. Where I am now is eons away from where I could've been and that, that I am thankful and grateful for. I'm a better person and deserve better than what I was given and perhaps that sounds selfish but for me, it's the truth and I'm finally able to state it without guilt or consequence. I'll find what I deserve but until then, fuck it, let's have fun.

Remnants of Fall...

My lack of updating makes me bad at blogging. I moved back home to the suburbs to live in my old bedroom at my parents house so as to save as much money as possible for grad school next year. Though it was the right decision, I still regret it at times. Like on the weekends when I do nothing but watch movies, listen to music, and crochet or read. I feel like I'm 23 going on 70 and it's a bit depressing. I don't mind it though. I know it's a means to an end. Mainly Scotland & Glasgow fall of 2009. Less than a year. My application goes in at the end of the month. My letters of recommendation are done and settled and at this point it is just a matter of getting in the rest of the application. I'm sending it out on Saturday because I'm also applying for my passport at the same time. Kill two birds, one stone.

Things I have started to accomplish/work toward since being back here is marathon training. Working in an office with a bunch of professional athletes who ran the Chicago Marathon and the Ironman championship, makes me feel fat and out of shape so I made the promise to myself to start running again, which I have. I'm doing quite well and I know I'll be doing better as soon as I quit smoking, which is a current work in progress. Rockford half-marathon May 19th, 2009, I'll be there, running 13.1 miles. I'll be training all winter. I have exactly 7 months to get my ass in shape and it's doable, and I know it's doable, and well, I'm going to do it. Just in the last week since I started I've doubled my length of running time and now I'm at .5 miles...though I know it's a ways from 13.1, but it makes me feel good knowing that I'm making progress since I haven't ran in over 3 years and I'm still smoking. Though that's been cut in half and my goal is smoke-free by Thanksgiving. That's one perk of being back at home, I'm much more goal-oriented cause if I wasn't, I'd feel like a lonely, loser schlump.

There it is. My update. Marathon training for May, Glasgow application, & Passport application. I'd talk about the election but it's making me more and more anxious the closer it gets. My stomach is in literal knots and if McCain/Palin do win...I'm moving abroad and I probably won't be back. This is a fight I can't continue to fight. It's like fighting an unknown ignorant intangible fog. There's no use in arguing with the irrational. It's a futile argument. I just hope and pray that this ignorant fog hasn't settled and that Obama/Biden do win in 2 weeks. It's nerve-wracking. I may or may not have stolen a Palin sign from someone's yard on my run today, defaced it, then threw it away. Again, mere speculation, I may or may not have done this. There isn't proof (just don't check the garbage bin on the side of my house).

This election feels more like good guy versus bad guy than anything else and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat like I was when I saw Batman this summer stoned at the IMAX with Brian. God save us if the bad guy wins yet again.

I felt it

I said that I would post this and I am, though it is against my better judgement.

http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ddxtshkw_6dd9w4j

It's been a painful and bumpy ride and where I once thought I was standing on solid ground, I've come to realize I am not. I also realize how far I've come since being lower than low. I know I repeat myself constantly when I say this but that first year out is the hardest. It also makes you realize how impossible it is to conceive of the future. When someone asks me "what are your plans for the next 5 years, I haven't an answer. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I know I want to go to Scotland next year but that's about as far as I've gotten.

That's not where I wanted to start this post. I had this thought while I was "creeping" on facebook. I started to think about the mass phenomenon of online networking sites like facebook and myspace and friendster. It just makes me feel that much more solid in my thought that people are just looking for other people. We need social interaction and with the advent of the internet, it's easier then ever to keep in touch and meet new people. Though it can be dangerous, it can be just as dangerous meeting people the "old-fashioned" way. This is not well-thought out but I'm making my point (or so I hope).

Things are so vastly different now than how I had pictured it a year ago and I'm ok with that. I can't say I'm happy though and that's disappointing. But I'm seeing clearly and that matters for something. I like the autumn, it makes things brighter even if the days are shorter.

Falling into place...

It's hard to believe it's already September again. I feel like this year has been horribly fast and horribly slow. I'm feeling very encouraged as far as picking up the pieces of the last year and half now. I'm starting to feel strangely normal again. I'm more aware of myself and what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't think I've had this much clarity, wel, ever, as far as my goals and accomplishments are concerned.

I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.

My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.

Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.

I've bit my tongue and tried to keep from saying what it is that is on my mind. I know that political and moral rantings and raving is not necessarily what I use this blog for and though I realize that I should find a new space to post this, but for now this is what I will work with.

I've spent almost a year now pushing and pulling myself into so many directions I should be completely morphed as a body. From here to there to anywhere in between. What I thought I wanted 6 months ago is nothing I could dream of wanting now. The political atmosphere in this country is electric. Everyone has an opinion about how and what should be happening. We claim we want change and though I have no doubt that the majority of people do, it's one thing to want and it's completely separate to go after it. It's very distinctive those who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the change they seek and I believe that we as a country and as a people haven't seen enough suffering to really believe what true change looks like. We didn't grow up during the Great Depression, we didn't live through a World War. This war we're fighting now, is a television war, a war we're so distanced and far away from we barely can acknowledge it until something awful happens because of it. We've settled on high gas prices, we've settled on the economic recession, we've even settled as to what our so-called "President" and his cabinet have done for the last 8 years. We cry change but I don't know who is willing to sacrifice themselves for it.

I thought I was. I left college with all of the hopes and ideals that someone graduating from a Liberal Arts College should. I walked into the world thinking this is my chance to stamp it with the change I want to see. This is my opportunity to do something my parents were too scared to do. So I left. I packed up and I moved out West. Took a job for a company claiming to be a Grassroots Movement and it was working for them that I realized that those that claim to be the change we want to see, our just shells of a good idea gone terribly bad. It's these anarchists movements, these grassroots campaigns, claiming change for the better of the people that are exactly what change shouldn't be. It shouldn't be a false claim providing a faulty product. It should be something of passion and of virtue. Something deep from within, not something that sounds good but will never work.

I've seen the devastation that can happen in moments of government lapse. I was in New Orleans post-Katrina just months after families were allowed back to see their broken homes and non-existent neighborhoods. It changes you. Meeting those people and seeing first-hand the destruction and horrible devastation that occurs after these tragedies. And yes, they are tragedies. Watching a family be torn apart, ripped away from their homes and their families and completely unsure of ever returning, it's a tragedy and seeing it, it changes you. Walking around a section of earth, all buildings torn and crumbled, buildings that weren't in this condition more than 7 months prior. You see bikes in trees, cars flipped over, "possible dead-body" scrolled in spray paint on the side of a house that's been ripped from it's foundation. You meet the families of these homes and find that they're living spread out across the country with other family members, or in shelters for those displaced by the storm. They wear a heavy sadness that can really only be found in those that have known loss and pain to the extent that they do. This changes you. It changed me. And I'm not trying to sit here and paint myself the martyr of human-suffering. Nothing of the sort.

What I'm trying to get at is this: if we want to see change happen we have to be willing to work together to create it. The radicals and the passively political need to combine to create the change we want to see. Change is not something that happens over night. It's not something that we'll see in our lifetime most likely. It is a gradual process of push and pull, of give and take and you have to be willing to understand that. You have to be open to the idea that everything you think is right might not be and you have to be willing to change accordingly. It's not black and white, it's a series of grays that are constantly fluctuating.

It's best to make your own decisions and not be led down a path of self-discovery by someone else. There are choices we're forced to make the older we get and the choice of following another into self-understanding or taking the time and courage to understand it ourselves is the biggest. Perhaps it's just my bias, but it seems that most great ideas come from the time we've spent alone with ourselves. Martin Luther came up with the 95 Theses for Lutheranism on the toilet. As funny as it is, it is these moments alone that we're able to find the most clarity if we're willing to take the time to step back and notice it. The choices we make in life, for better or worse, define us as people. We're a constantly changing species and I have no doubt that this upcoming election will bring a much needed and much necessary change for this country but at the same time, we have to be open to the idea that there will be things that happen that won't be what we wanted but it's that give and take that's needed to constantly keep striving for our ultimate goals.

Don't let other define who you are and what you believe, by doing so you're closing yourself to change and though almost always terrifying, change is needed for growth. If we as a species never questioned what we were told to believe in, we would have never evolved into the species we are now. Humanity is only a danger to itself. Between passivity toward change and aggressive radicalism toward a specific change that's not necessarily for the best, it's a danger. It's a constant fight against ignorance and intolerance, and even those on the liberal side can be just as ignorant as those on the conservative. I've played witness to ignorance on both sides and find it sad that so many people can cut themselves off to change because of one particular idea that they so zealously need to chase after.

If there is anything I've learned is that choices should be made according to yourself, not someone else. It's too easy to follow what others are saying, it's much harder to question it and discover what it is you believe in. Take the time. Change doesn't come quick or easy, but it's still a possibility if we leave ourselves open. So question everything I've just written and make the decision for yourself whether to move forward from it or pass it off as just another "chant for change" we've become so accustomed to hearing through these past several months of political ferocity in this country.

Positive Feedback

No news is good news...I'm curious what jackass came up with that. Isn't it almost the same as ignorance is bliss? Maybe not as severe...well, that's actually debatable.

I'm just getting over my annual summer cold. Though, this one wasn't as severe as last year, but then again, I'm not suffering from exhaustion.

I'm looking at apartments for the fall this weekend. Since stine is moving in with ryan, i'm kind of out on my ass with no place to go and no one to live with. I was going to move in with Joe, and I still might but it's up in the air until he finds a job. I figure I might as well cover my ass until I hear from him. I'm checking out places in Lakeview (aka Wrigleyville/Boystown) shut up, I know it's cliche of me, but I'm over it because they have some of the cheapest studios I've been able to find that are still in the city and not in Rogers Park or farther north.

I got new glasses. They're fun though no one's really noticed the difference which is slightly disappointing I won't lie. I've been writing a lot lately. Perhaps because I've had a lot on my mind. Who knows. I've been going back and forth as to whether I want to post one of my non-fictions up here but I'm still not sure. Putting it out there is a little more than I want to bear at the moment. Over anything I've done in my life, writing has been the one thing I'm the most self-concious about. It's like standing in front of thousands of people bareass naked with a jumbo-tron in the background. yeesh, no thanks. I suppose I eventually need to face my fears about this though so what the hell. Be expecting that link up soon...I have to edit because I wrote a lot of it while......well I"m sure you can figure it out, so there's a lot of typos.

Lactose Intolerance...

I've eaten delicious, home-made ice cream two nights in a row b/c Alana works for one of the best ice cream shoppes in Chicago and has treated me to ice cream for the last two nights and woh. My tummy is a quakin'. But it's so delicious so it's hard to say no.

3rd week at Northwestern Mutual. I'm finally starting to ease into my new job. I have a better idea of what I'm doing and I'll be licensed for insurance soon. So you know, if you need insurance of the life or disability variety, I can help you out....Everyone keeps asking why I don't just become a financial representative myself instead of working for a bunch of them and all I can say is I already feel like a sell-out working here in general, if I were to sell my soul to the devil to make 6 figures a year, I couldn't live with myself. I realize that's a little self-righteous but fuck off because it's the truth.

I get new glasses this weekend, or at least they'll hopefully be ready. Went to the eye Dr Saturday, she said my eyes have gotten worse. Not significantly, but worse no less and my dreams of having contacts were kind of smooshed upon visit as well. Apparently, due to my astigmatism and the severe pointedness of my cornea's, I'm kind of shit out of luck in the contact area. So I picked out a new pair of glasses to feel better. I like them. I'll post pictures of them at some point, once I get them. I suppose I should start putting my flckr into use and posting pictures of things I talk about but it's an effort that for the most part, I don't really want to make.

It's a little hard to believe this year is more than halfway over. It's kind of a constant reminder that I'm no longer in college. Months have just melted into one another now that I'm out in the working world. It's a little disappointing and I'm trying to remedy this by continuing to pursue Glasgow with the same veracity I pursued Knox with my Senior year of High School. At this point, it's just a matter of having transcripts sent off and letters of recommendation sent out. I'm hoping to have an acceptance letter in the mail by September or October and a deference for Fall of 2009 in my pocket. We'll see what happens.