I said that I would post this and I am, though it is against my better judgement.
http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ddxtshkw_6dd9w4j
It's been a painful and bumpy ride and where I once thought I was standing on solid ground, I've come to realize I am not. I also realize how far I've come since being lower than low. I know I repeat myself constantly when I say this but that first year out is the hardest. It also makes you realize how impossible it is to conceive of the future. When someone asks me "what are your plans for the next 5 years, I haven't an answer. I don't know what I want or where I'm going. I know I want to go to Scotland next year but that's about as far as I've gotten.
That's not where I wanted to start this post. I had this thought while I was "creeping" on facebook. I started to think about the mass phenomenon of online networking sites like facebook and myspace and friendster. It just makes me feel that much more solid in my thought that people are just looking for other people. We need social interaction and with the advent of the internet, it's easier then ever to keep in touch and meet new people. Though it can be dangerous, it can be just as dangerous meeting people the "old-fashioned" way. This is not well-thought out but I'm making my point (or so I hope).
Things are so vastly different now than how I had pictured it a year ago and I'm ok with that. I can't say I'm happy though and that's disappointing. But I'm seeing clearly and that matters for something. I like the autumn, it makes things brighter even if the days are shorter.
13 September, 2008
04 September, 2008
Falling into place...
It's hard to believe it's already September again. I feel like this year has been horribly fast and horribly slow. I'm feeling very encouraged as far as picking up the pieces of the last year and half now. I'm starting to feel strangely normal again. I'm more aware of myself and what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't think I've had this much clarity, wel, ever, as far as my goals and accomplishments are concerned.
I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.
My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.
Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.
I've come to the conclusion that as far as my job is concerned I'm completely indifferent. I don't hate it, I don't love it, and I don't mind showing up every day. It's just something I have to do and it's fun for the most part but usually it's just boring and I just end up doing my own thing most of the day. It's kind of wonderful not having some one breathing down your neck all day every day. It's a work at your own pace but get your shit done on time. It's pretty laid back for such a large corporation. I'm genuinely surprised.
My housing situation is changing drastically again within the month. I've decided to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents. This has nothing to do with not being able to afford to live on my own, because I've been doing just fine, it's more or less the inconvenience of means to an end. By moving back home, I will be able to save myself around $600-$700/month by not paying rent or utilities and thus put that towards paying off what's left of my debt and starting to save for Scotland for next fall. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm not comfortable living alone in the city. I thought I was but after coming in to work 2 days in a row to find out that someone's apartment was broken into and then someone's car was stolen, I realized that I'm not comfortable with it at all. Perhaps I've watched too much Law & Order: SVU but bad things seem to happen to women living alone in big cities and it's not like I can afford some posh downtown w/ a door man building. With the crime rate literally sky-rocketing in this city, I'd rather go back and live with my parents (as unfortunate as it is) than put myself at risk of being robbed or worse. Unlike moving back home from Portland, I don't feel like I'm giving up on anything, I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to push forward with my goal of Scotland in the fall of 2009 and though I don't want to, I'm going to do what I need to do to get to that goal.
Only one more year til it starts. The day I board the plane for London will be one of the most surreal days of my life. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to start this. This is something brand new and terrifying and amazing and I just want it. As lonely as it can be without anyone in my life, it's been really nice to be able to focus on who I am and what I want because I hadn't for over 2 and half years. It's a new feeling, figuring out what's best for me instead of what's best for us. I feel selfish but almost in a good way. I miss having someone there though, and that's not going to go away ever but I've learned to like being alone and I don't know if I could do a relationship at this point anyway. I'm not quite sure where I was going with all of this but I figured an update was somewhat in order.
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